I am learning to tell on myself and my disease. I no longer worry about how you look at me, or what you will think or say. Your opinion is yours. Negative or positive it no longer dictates whether or not I share what’s going on with me.
I spent way too much time worrying about what others thought. I wasted a lifetime trying to live up to a phoney image of what I thought my life should be like and living up to a stereotype of what a man should and should not do. All of it contributed to me losing myself and staying stuck in a fantasy world where I didn’t belong.
I know better than that today. I am learning that secrets keep me sick and will eventually kill me. If I continue to allow those secrets to stay hidden and not expose them I will never get better. No one can help me if they do not know anything about me. So I take the risks to share about me.
I expose things to my networks so they can help me to get a better understanding on how to get through it. I no longer wish to keep it hidden and suffer the consequences. That is too high a price to pay..to live so damn low.
So now that the weather is breaking and it’s finally starting to feel like summer. I will be the first to tell you that this weather is a trigger for me. The cookouts, boat rides, bus trips and everything else that goes along with summertime. I used heavily during summer days and I love drinking beer. But drinking doesn’t love me and it opens the door for me to use what I really want. I will be smoking crack in 00.3 seconds flat.
I know this.
I am grateful for this process of getting to know the real me. Knowing is half the battle. Its what I do with that knowledge that separates today from yesterday. Today I choose to live.
Peace and Blessings