LEARNING TO SEE THE BEAUTY

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Wow is all I can say. When I look at where I am today, compared to where I was just 2 short years ago.

For a long time everything looked gray. Life was bland, dull and meaningless. I was angry at the world for passing me by. I felt like I was dealt a bad hand and that the world owed me something. I was sure everything that has happened to me was someone else’s fault and I wanted someone to pay for all the misery I suffered through.

I wanted retribution.

Boy was I wrong. I was misguided and delusional. I placed my focus outward to solve my issues when all the while the answers were inside of me. I had no idea how to go about searching inside for relief.  I couldn’t  understand what that entailed. I had to humble myself and ask for help.

I’ve come to realize as a result that happiness is not something that I can obtain from people, places or from accumulating things. Happiness comes from inside and extends itself outward. Where I was once bitter at my life’s circumstances I am learning how to take the good and the bad and make due. I am learning how to make the best of what I have and am working with at any given moment.

Life is what I make it. I am who I am, I am no longer the victim, I am no longer the giant of my dreams. I am no longer who you want me to be, or who I think you want me to be. I am happy to be who I am at this moment.

I am beautiful and content to be in the skin that I am in.

Peace and Blessings

Eric Ease

T.G.I.F. THANK GOD I’M FREE

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FREE
From the horrors of active addiction.
FREE
From the self made prison and isolation.
FREE
To be who I was meant to be.
FREE
To come and go as I please.
FREE
To make mistakes and learn from them.

But FREEDOM ISN’T FREE.
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I had to do some things to obtain and then maintain this freedom. I have to continuously be vigilant in my pursuit of recovery. I have to make changes and adjustments to my attitude and behavior on a regular basis. I have to maintain daily contact with people who strive for the same things as I do.

I have to remember that my pain, misery and suffering is only a hop, skip and a jump away. If I choose to forget where I came from. I will surely be doomed to repeat. I will be caught up in the grips again and I will not make it out. I do not kid myself about that. It’s a FACT!

I am only free because I choose to continue to do whatever it takes. I continue to keep in constant contact with the people that helped save my life in the first place. I continue to take the suggestions, contact my sponsor, read the literature, make meetings and share what I am going through. Good or Bad.
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My recovery is MY RESPONSIBILITY.

Maintaining my freedom is not only a job..Its an adventure. It’s an adventure that I am more than willing to partake in everyday.

Peace and Blessings

Eric Ease

PERSISTENCE PAYS OFF

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I woke up today with an overwhelming feeling of gratitude for my new found life in recovery.

Lately I have been experiencing a onslaught of storms in my life. One obstacle after another. As I look back I am left with a feeling of happiness and pride for how I am handling the things that are going on.

Not to long ago, I would have crumbled under the pressures of my everyday life. I would have given up, used these trials and tribulations as an excuse to go smoke some crack and drink my problems away. The reality of course is that they would not have gone away but would have in all actuality gotten worse.

Today thanks to having a Higher Power, I have stumbled upon the best thing to have ever happened to me. Through my HP’s guidance I found recovery through the fellowship of Narcotics Anonymous. I am so grateful for this life saving process. I know that without it I wouldn’t have the tools necessary to maintain my recovery and I would be dead or serving a large amount of time in prison.

Although I relapsed several times in my beginnings I am thankful that I experienced the love of the fellowship and was blessed to have made it back. I had the determination and my persistence is paying off.

The fellowship has helped me learn how to live. Following a few simple suggestions has help shape me and guide my life in a whole new direction. A direction that I never thought possible in my active addiction. I am living what was once only a dream as a direct result and I have a unmistakable and unshakable amount of gratitude.

I feel the need to share my experiences with you and I am grateful that I am alive, clean, able and willing to do so.

Peace and Blessings

Eric Ease

BACK TO THE BASICS

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I am faced with many decisions on a daily basis. Sometimes I make good ones and sometimes I do not. I am not perfect nor do I ever wish to be.

I make mistakes, it’s a part of my growing process. I do not place unrealistic expectations on myself and think that I shouldn’t be making mistakes. Today I am learning that in order for me to change, I have to make mistakes. Life is about taking risks. Healthy risks. I won’t know if I never try. I learn from my mistakes and move on…Sometimes the lesson repeats itself because I have not fully learned the lesson. So I will get back to the basics. Back to where I started off. I will not keep bumping my head in this area.

My old life became unbearable and I needed to make some changes. I’ve been tweeking, testing, sampling, picking and choosing. I have learned some valuable lessons along the way. I am so grateful that I have changed some things and I am learning that I still have many other things that need to be changed.

I know that I am not in a race or have to meet anyone else’s deadline. This is my process and I will take it slow and steady. That right there is change itself. For a long, long time. I was in a rush, always in a hurry only to wind up with regrets and disappointments.

I have learned that change doesn’t happen over night. That I don’t have a damn thing to prove and that the only person I need to be better than, Is the person I was yesterday. I no longer allow myself to believe that as long as I am not using I am ok.

Change for me

Is deeper than that.

Peace and Blessings

Eric Ease

MAKE TODAY COUNT

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I used drugs for the majority of my life. A bit more than 3/4’s of my life was spent intoxicated, numb and paranoid. My addiction has many stages. I went from homeless, jobless crackhead to crackhead with a job with many episodes in between.

I remember all too well the days of coming to, searching for my daily drugs, using and passing out at the end of the day. It didn’t matter to me what day it was. Most of the time I was too high to know anyway.

Back then I did have a purpose or a plan. At one point in my addiction I wasn’t working or of any use to anyone. There are years of wasted days in my story. Days where I did absolutely nothing. Time kept moving and I stayed stuck.

When I first got clean, I was embarrassed. I was ashamed that it took me so long. That I wasted so much time. I felt stupid and I shared about it. I am grateful that I did. I found out that I wasn’t alone.

Today I look back and I see that my time wasn’t a total waste. I try to find something good in every situation even my active addiction. I know that my active addiction was a learning experience. Although it was a long lesson, it was still a lesson. Today I make my days count. I try to learn something new, give something back, help someone and I allow others to help me. I am growing daily and I will continue to do so until my time here is up.

I practice letting go of regrets from what I could have, should have, but didn’t do. I can’t do anything about the past. But I can do something about today.

Life will no longer pass me by.
I make today count.

Peace and Blessings

Eric Ease

HEALING BEGINS ON THE INSIDE

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I remember growing up and always feeling less than. I grew up in a family that was not rich but not considered poor. When my parents split, my mother struggled to get by. I wanted things. I always looked at myself as poor because I didn’t have the things others had. I didn’t have the clothes, sneakers, money. All those external things that I thought would make me happy. I realize today that I blamed my Mother for years for my troubles and for eventually abandoning me.

I never looked at the part I played in her decision to send me to live with my father.

My feelings didn’t change much when I moved with my Father either. I still wanted things, I was still trying to fill a void with stuff. I didn’t realize then that I would never be satisfied. That dressing up the outside and having stuff was not the answer to what was ailing me. So I began to blame him too. I would place the blame on several other people to as the years went by.

It was always something or someone elses fault. It was this false belief system that kept nagging at me and helping to fuel my feelings of worthlessness, hopelessness and uselessness. It was my thinking that was destroying me from the inside out.

I didn’t understand then what I am learning now in recovery. By doing some work on myself I am able to recognize the part that I played then and am playing today. I am learning how to identify feelings and express myself in a healthy manner. I am not who others say I am. I am not useless, hopeless or worthless. I am not how I dress or how much money I have.

I do not have to impress anyone or be better than anyone other than the person I was yesterday. Healing myself begins and ends with me. I am responsible for my recovery, happiness, health, wellness, spiritual condition, struggles or lack there of. I am responsible for me.

I know that its a inside job.

Peace and Blessings

Eric Ease