In my last post I wanted everyone to know that RECOVERY IS POSSIBLE. I wanted to let people who may be thinking that they cannot do this, to know that they can. That regardless of our individual circumstances WE can OVERCOME OUR ADDICTIONS.
When I first came into recovery I heard this same message and did not believe that it could work for me. I thought that I was damaged beyond repair. My lack of self esteem and self worth cast a gigantic shadow of self doubt that covered me and kept me stuck and fearful of attempting to really put forth the effort needed to change. I saw others recovering, I knew deep down inside that the program worked. I just didn’t believe that it would or could work for me. I came to the program broken, but long before I got clean I had fear of accomplishing things. I lived life hesitant of attempting anything for I knew that it would only end up in failure and disappointment. That I would only embarrass myself and cause myself even more heartache and pain than I was already feeling. I talked myself right out of ever trying to make my life better because of a false fear. A lie invented by myself to protect myself from feeling any more pain.
FEAR – FALSE EVIDENCE APPEARING REAL
FEAR – FORGET EVERYTHING AND RUN
FEAR – FACE EVERYTHING AND RECOVER.
It is amazing how I could sabotage myself without even trying. How I could allow myself to not even try something for fear of failure. How my addiction would have me believe that I am not worthy or capable of doing anything. The problem was with my thinking process and I had no idea until I came to recovery and started to learn some things about addiction and how it affects me. I always thought that drugs were my problem but I have learned that drugs are only a small portion of a bigger problem. The drugs were just a symptom of the disease of addiction that has been a part of my life long before I ever picked up. I knew for a long time that there was something wrong with the way I processed information and my thought patterns but I couldn’t fully understand what was going on. I still struggle with it today but I have gotten better and continue to progress. One Day At A Time.
I’VE HAD PLENTY OF PEOPLE SUGGEST THAT I NEEDED HELP BUT UNTIL I WAS READY IT DIDN’T MAKE A DIFFERENCE.
The first suggestion that was ever given to me was not from a person in recovery. It was suggested that I seek some kind of help. I didn’t receive that very well because I didn’t think I had a problem. I had been to treatment centers, jails and institutions and attended NA meetings. They would always suggest that I make a meeting as soon as I am released but I always went back to using soon after release. I didn’t take the suggestions and always paid for it in the long run. Even when I finally made it to meetings after years of procrastination I would pick and choose which suggestions I wanted to take. I still wanted to do things my way and I still got the same results. After a while I finally realized that I had to try something different and that is when things started to change.
HONESTY, OPEN MINDEDNESS AND THE WILLINGNESS TO CHANGE.
It took some time but I was finally ready to listen to others who had been down the same road and where living a different life. A better life. I wanted what they had and so they suggested some things for me to do in order to obtain that way of life. I was told in meetings to KEEP COMING BACK and so I did. I learned some things and made some changes to my daily routine. I began to feel comfortable enough to start sharing honestly about who I was and some of the things that I had been through. I was amazed at how many people had similar stories and could identify with me. I became willing to do the necessary work that everyone else was doing (Step work, reading literature). I got a sponsor to help guide me in the process because I don’t know everything like I think I do. I had to become open minded to new things and start to discard the old things that I was so used to doing. I had to be willing to live in the moment and not dwell on the past. I had to become a whole new person. I was reluctant at first but in time I began to see changes and wanted more so I started to take more suggestions and apply what I could to my life. I became able to ask others for help and not feel like I was weak or a sucker. The most important thing was IF I DON’T PICK UP I CAN’T GET HIGH.
I had to learn that street rules DO NOT APPLY IN RECOVERY. Everything that I thought I knew about life and living was wrong. I no longer believe in or live by the code of the street. I am learning to live by spiritual principles and how the apply them to my everyday life. I am far from perfect and I know I will never be. I still have my days where I just want to be left alone and do what I want to do. But I know that my way has gotten me years of pain, so it is time to put my plans to rest and live by a new set of plans. I am grateful for where I am today and where I am going. Life is so much better without the use of ANY DRUG.
No matter what I am feeling, thinking or going through I DO NOT HAVE TO USE.
WITH THE WILLINGNESS TO FOLLOW A FEW SIMPLE GUIDELINES MY LIFE HAS CHANGED DRAMATICALLY.
