If I continue to follow what I want and not keep the focus on what I need. I will continue to run into the same obstacles.
In recovery we talk about INSANITY..
It is said to be doing the same things expecting different results. I always thought of that just pertaining to my active addiction. How I tried so many different ways to control my using only to end up with the same result but try again and again anyway.
I’ve come to recognize that same behavior in myself today. Clean. I still display the insanity of doing the same thing thinking this time it will be different. I know that drugs were only a small portion of my problem. My addiction shows up in many ways and I am still learning about my character defects and how they affect my life in the here and now..
WITHOUT THE USE OF DRUGS.
Real life experiences are meant to teach lessons. I love the spiritual awakenings that I am experiencing as a direct result of staying clean. Growing and learning who I am is awesome.
Peace and Blessings
A couple of weeks ago I wrote a post called IF IT’S MEANT TO BE IT WILL BE. I was sharing about someone who I had gotten back in touch with from a couple of years ago and that we were talking again. Well needless to say that was a waste of time. Everything was good for a minute and just like the last time we attempted to hook up she sabotaged the relationship.
Last time she just disappeared with no explanation, wouldn’t respond to my voice mails nothing. So I decided to forgive and perhaps things will be different decided to give it another shot. I still hadn’t gotten closure to why she did what she did and really didnt care but part of me did want to know. Things seemed to be going good but deep down I knew something wasn’t right. I had a gut feeling and I couldn’t shake it. It just seemed too good to be true some of the things we were talking about and planning. I was having too many de ja vu moments.
So yesterday we were talking and all was good all day until I mentioned that I was checking out her Facebook page. Lol. I have to laugh because here’s where the bullshit comes in. I call later on and I sense an attitude so I ask what’s wrong. She proceeds to start questioning me about my friends and a post and I answer her. I call back later and now I am being accused of cheating and lying and all kinds of things…I’ve been there mind you in my last relationship which just ended Thanksgiving weekend. The same shit. WOW is an understatement.
Well I don’t need to tell you that
THAT SHIT IS OVER AND DONE WITH.
I am grateful that this happened early on and not when we had some time together like my last relationship.
I am saddened by my past attempts to find someone to be happy with. It would seem that my radar is broken. I get involved with the wrong people even now that I am clean. I think I will breathe easy for a while and stop searching for love in all the wrong places. I know who I am today and what I will and will not accept. I will not be subject to anyones false accusations and wild imagination. I will not allow anyone to steal my joy because they are fucking miserable.
THIS TOO SHALL PASS.
Peace and Blessings