For a long time I thought that I would never be able to stop using drugs. I didn’t know that there was another way. A way out of the madness that was my life for so long. I started using at a very early age because I wanted to fit in with others. I longed to belong, to be a part of. I remember always feeling like I was missing something or feeling different than everyone else. I couldn’t understand why I had such a hard time fitting in. I started drinking first and I would drink everyday, sometimes I would drink until I would pass out. I wasn’t even a teenager yet and already had a drinking problem. Needless to say my addiction started early on in life and it lasted for decades ending in jails and institutions, lost jobs, family and friends, isolation, desperation, degradation, homelessness and despair.
I didn’t know anything about obsession and compulsion then. I didn’t know then that I had suffered from low self esteem and low self worth. I was a lonely kid and I just wanted to be like everyone else. I began my journey on this slippery slope and before I knew it my life had begun to spiral out of control. As I got older I began to hang with people who I thought were cool and started doing other things. Again wanting to fit in and be a part of, I wanted to do those things too. Before long school was a thing of the past and I was caught up in a life opposite of everything that my parents instilled in me as a child. Deep down I knew better, I knew that the things I was doing were wrong but I was caught up in the grips of addiction and before long I had lost any and all control.
In the end I was beaten and I had lost any hope of ever being able to get my life back. My disease had caused so much pain, misery and destruction, I thought that this was how it was going to end for me. I was going to die as a result of my addiction. But I couldn’t have been more wrong about that.
I found a fellowship of people just like me.I found a place where people know exactly what I am going through and have been there themselves. I can speak openly and honestly about my past and someone will be able to relate and share there experience with me. I am a member of Narcotics Anonymous. I am learning how to identify my feelings, express myself without getting frustrated and to face my fears without resorting to using drugs. I have been doing some work on myself and have come to understand some things that have been a mystery to me for a long time. I am grateful to be out of the depths of the hell that was my addiction to drugs. But drugs are only a symptom of the disease. I am a work in progress the key word being WORK. It takes effort and commitment. I have learned that I have to be open to new ideas and suggestions, willing to make changes and stick to those changes and to be as honest as I can. I am able to ask for help today and I do not feel ashamed, embarrassed or weak because I need help. I am changing and I am loving it. It’s not easy but it is easier than living my life still caught up in the grips of my addiction.
There are many groups and recovery communities out there and I am not saying that my way is the only way. I can only share my experience and what works for me. One thing I can tell you is RECOVERY IS POSSIBLE. If you or someone you know is suffering from the disease of addiction please give yourself a break. Seek help, there is no shame in admitting that you need help. You can’t get help if no one knows how to help you.