Growing up I was a pretty decent kid. I was respectful and a good student.
IN THE BEGINNING.
I remember coming home from school one day and my father was there. That was unusual because he was always at work when I came home from school. I remember him sitting me and my little brother down and telling us he was moving out. I also remember crying because I thought it was my fault. I promised I would be good so forth and so on but that didn’t help. He still left.
That was the first of my abandonings. As a result my behavior started to take a turn for the worse and after a while my mother could take no more and told me I had to go live with my father. Abandon #2. I felt like I didn’t belong anywhere. That no one loved me.
Years later I found out that my father abused my mother. I always knew he had a temper and he would whip us kids when we did wrong but I always thought that my parents had a strong relationship. I had no idea what was really going on.
I realize now that my drinking, stealing and being disrespectful to my mother is the reason why I had to leave but for YEARS I held a resentment towards my mother for abandoning me. For throwing me away. As a result of my resentments I carried a grudge and I felt that she owed me something. I only made our relationship even more estranged and to this day we barely speak to each other.
I have live in a misguided fog for the majority of my life. Blaming everyone else for my demise. I never looked at the part I played in my troubled life. I never knew that I even had a part in it. The power of my denial was as thick as molasses and I could never even think that I had anything to do with any of it.
Sometimes I feel embarrassed having to admit that I was so naive. That I was so blind to the world around me. I lived in a fantasy world, sheltered and fueled by my abuse of substances. Thanks to the recovery process I am learning things that most people knew when they were younger. I also feel some embarrassment about that too but I am learning to be ok with where I am at. I am learning to accept myself just the way I am. I am learning to take ownership and responsibility for my actions. I am learning not to compare my insides with other people’s outsides or other people’s experiences period.
I AM WHO I AM.
I AM TURNING A CORNER IN MY LEARNING EXPERIENCE. I SO LOVE GROWING UP.
Peace and Blessings