I have been practicing having empathy for others. I try to put myself in their shoes and understand what they are going through. But I am struggling in certain areas when it comes to being completely able to feel their pain.
Sometimes I find myself thinking are they fucking serious. Get over that bullshit. My God that’s whats bothering you. Sometimes I compare what I have had to endure to what others are going through and I get judgemental. I find that I brush off some of the things people go through because in my mind its small potatoes. I don’t think of it as being all that serious.
In my active addiction I have been void of any feelings for a long time. For me there was only 2 ways to deal with things I learned to stuff my feelings or explode. I never knew a healthy way to express my frustration or my happiness. All I ever knew was fuck you and your feelings. I damn sure didn’t want to hear about your problems, I had enough of my own. I learned not to show emotions because it made you look weak. So I became cold, distant and detached. Isolation became my way of life and I thought I was happy being alone.
I have come to realize that I do not like being alone, I do not like acting like I don’t care about others, I do not like stuffing my feelings or exploding because I stuff my feelings. I don’t like to be so cold. I like to be there for others and having them be there for me.
But sometimes I wonder if I am really built for caring about others. I know that’s my disease trying ONCE AGAIN to disqualify me. To make me think that I am not capable of caring and that I don’t really care. I am so grateful that I can recognize the symptoms today.
I NEED TO CONTINUE TO PRACTICE IDENTIFYING AND NOT COMPARE.
I AM A GRATEFUL WORK IN PROGRESS.
Peace and Blessings