I have been practicing having empathy for others. I try to put myself in their shoes and understand what they are going through. But I am struggling in certain areas when it comes to being completely able to feel their pain.
Sometimes I find myself thinking are they fucking serious. Get over that bullshit. My God that’s whats bothering you. Sometimes I compare what I have had to endure to what others are going through and I get judgemental. I find that I brush off some of the things people go through because in my mind its small potatoes. I don’t think of it as being all that serious.
In my active addiction I have been void of any feelings for a long time. For me there was only 2 ways to deal with things I learned to stuff my feelings or explode. I never knew a healthy way to express my frustration or my happiness. All I ever knew was fuck you and your feelings. I damn sure didn’t want to hear about your problems, I had enough of my own. I learned not to show emotions because it made you look weak. So I became cold, distant and detached. Isolation became my way of life and I thought I was happy being alone.
I have come to realize that I do not like being alone, I do not like acting like I don’t care about others, I do not like stuffing my feelings or exploding because I stuff my feelings. I don’t like to be so cold. I like to be there for others and having them be there for me.
But sometimes I wonder if I am really built for caring about others. I know that’s my disease trying ONCE AGAIN to disqualify me. To make me think that I am not capable of caring and that I don’t really care. I am so grateful that I can recognize the symptoms today.
I NEED TO CONTINUE TO PRACTICE IDENTIFYING AND NOT COMPARE.
I AM A GRATEFUL WORK IN PROGRESS.
Peace and Blessings
I can remember for a long time praying that I can move on to the next chapter of my life. I was sick and tired of being in the position that I was in and wanted to change. The only problem with that was I didn’t have a clue as to how to go about it. I wanted desperately to stop getting high actually I should call it using because it had been years since I really got high. All I was getting was paranoid.
Anyway the desperation began to turn into hopelessness when my life hadn’t changed. I would blame everything for my failures except myself. The real culprit. My life got no better because I kept doing the same things and knowing the results kept doing them anyway. I remember the anger because I was still stuck in the same rut year after year after year. I lost all hope of ever being anything but a useless, worthless addict. I would constantly degrade and belittle myself and I just settled for where I was at as being where I would stay and eventually die.
BOY WAS I WRONG.
I was so wrong. I am thankful today that I found the courage to ask for help. I understand today that I cannot do this alone. That I need people like me who understand what I am feeling and going through. Since I put down the ego and ask people for help when I don’t know or understand something my life has changed tremendously. With a little practice it has also become easier to ask for help especially knowing now that people WILL ACTUALLY HELP ME.
I have been blessed and I am truly grateful that I have finally turned the page and started this new and exciting chapter of my life. I will never underestimate the power and the unity that exist within the fellowship. This process saved my life and has given me unlimited opportunities to grow and become a better person.
I LOOK FORWARD TO MANY MORE NEW AND EXCITING CHAPTERS TO COME.
Peace and Blessings