I am beginning to understand.
I have been lost in a fantasy land for the majority of my life. I know this now but I never realized it growing up. Or maybe I did.
As far back as I can remember I always wanted to be someone else. Anyone else. I never was able to accept myself for who I was. I never was able to love the person that was in my skin. I was embarrassed by my life, my family and my circumstances. Ever since I can remember I dreamed of being you or him or them.
As a direct result of this I began to re-invent myself. I began to pretend to be anything other than my true self. I created false personas, alter egos and I even had a twin. A brother who only existed in my fantasy world brought to life by my sick and twisted need to be noticed, loved , liked and down with anyone who would accept me.
For years I created and recreated false images, attitudes and behaviors. I lied so much about myself and for so long that I began to believe my own fantasy was real. I took on the role of the many different characters that I created. I took different things from each one and created a monster. A monster who only wanted to be a part of something that he thought he was missing. A monster who thought everyone else had a better life, not realizing that my life hadn’t been that bad. My life was actually pretty damn good.
But in my mind it wasn’t good. In my mind I didn’t have any of the things I needed. Its that same mind that I followed again and again down that same path. The path that led me to low self-esteem and low self worth. Chasing something that was created in my mind and never allowing my self to grow spiritually, physically or even mentally.
I spent the so much of my life chasing a dream that my life just passed me by. I missed out on the many blessings because I thought I should have been better off or at a certain point by a certain age. I wasted decade after decade complaining about the things I didn’t have and should have had, what I wasn’t and should have been that I missed out on the blessings that I did have. The things that I did do. I missed out on the beauty of life because I believed the lies my mind told me.
I AM SO GRATEFUL THAT I AM ALLOWING MY SPIRIT TO BE FED AND MY SOUL IN TURN IS BEING NURISHED. NO LONGER LIVING IN THE DARKNESS OF THE LIES MY MIND TELLS ME.
Peace and Blessings