FEEL THE LOVE

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Wow

I am truly overwhelmed at all the love that I received today from people all over the world and right here at home. From my family near and far. Online, on the phone and on the street.

Thank you all so very much. I have been truly blessed in such a short period of time to have so many wonderful people in my life. I am grateful for each and every one of you. Whether I know you personally or we only talk through my blog, text, Facebook or any other social media.

Today I turned 49 years old and I am thankful to have made it this far but even more thankful that I am alive and clean. As I look back on my life I know that I have been saved from a guaranteed death sentence by Gods grace and mercy. I know that it didn’t have to be this way. I never thought of myself as a good person worthy of anyone’s friendship and never thought I would ever have ANY FRIENDS.

Today all of you proved to me that I am worthy. That there is something inside of me that attracts others. That I have something to offer. You all have helped me today more than you will ever know. Thank you for being on this journey with me.

THANK YOU FOR BEING MY FRIEND.

Peace and Blessings

Eric Ease

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME

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THE PERFECT WAY TO END A FANTASTIC WEEKEND IS TO CELEBRATE MY BIRTHDAY.

I am truly grateful to God to be able to see another birthday alive and clean. It is truly a blessing. I know that had it not been for my higher power’s intervention I would not be here to share anything with you.

I want to thank all of you for all of your support and I look forward to writing about my day later on either today or tomorrow sometime. Lol. The hit is that if I do not write today it won’t be because I got too drunk or high. It will be because I am tired or am still just having too much fun.

Everyone have a pleasant and blessed day.

Peace and blessings

Eric Ease

ANTWONE FISHER

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I was off from work for 3 days and it was a wonderful weekend. My spirit has been fed, I feel refreshed and brand new. I fellowshipped with family. I was amongst people who know me because they have been in my shoes and they are helping to guide me towards a new and better way of life.

It reminded me that I cannot do this alone. It gave me comfort knowing that I am not alone. It helped me to see one addict helping another is without parallel. It also reinforced my belief in this process and in myself. I am so grateful to finally have a place where I BELONG.

I want to share with you all about my journey because it helps me to get better and I pray that by me doing so I am helping others. I am learning to be more honest about my life, my feelings, my defects and short comings. I am learning how to get in touch with who I am and with who I want to be.

I just finished watching Antone Fisher. It was the perfect movie to wind down my weekend. I love that movie because I can identify with his story in so many ways. It always makes me cry when he finds his family in the end and today was no different.  I miss my family and I pray that one day I will be reunited with them.

I will continue to do the next right thing and live in accordance with my Higher Power’s will for me and not my own. I believe that as long as I continue on this path and continue to to live this way I have nothing to fear and in due time everything will be alright.

JUST FOR TODAY LIFE IS GOOD.

Peace and Blessings

Eric Ease

SHORT AND SWEET

This was a very good weekend.

I have been on a spiritual roll since Saturday and I am still riding high from The Men’s Unity Day. Life in recovery has been very rewarding but this weekend has really been great. It was the battery recharge that I needed. I just left a speaker jam and decided to get a little rest before I go back out tonight. I will not be able to stay tonight because I have a early shift tomorrow but I will still show up for my people celebrating 3yrs.

I pray that everyone is doing well and please believe me If you are not things will get better. Just hold on come hell or high water. This too shall pass.

Life gets greater later.

SEARCHING AND FEARLESS

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I am grateful for the opportunity to get to know myself on a deeper level. To uncover some of the deeper, darker secrets that have been buried, dug up, and buried again over and over but never brought to any closure. To expose my negative and my positive as well. I must not forget that the purpose of an inventory is not to expose how bad of a person I was.

This is my first searching and fearless inventory. When you hear some people share about it, it sounds like a painful experience and something that might cause more pain, misery and suffering. Like I am going to expose all of these things I did and bring back all of that pain that I not only caused myself but others too. If I allow myself to think of it that way I am sure to either not do as thorough of a job and go over it with a minimum of concern or I might try to prolong doing it or skip it all together.

I have found that sometimes it’s best not to listen to some people. Listening to the masses can sometimes be more harmful than good. I doubt its intentionally done. Perhaps theirs was harder on them. Afterall some of us ARE SICKER THAN OTHERS. That is why it is very important for me to work with my sponsor or in my case a more experienced member. It is suggested that I go over my steps with my sponsor in order and its for a very good reason. I am advised not to do it alone. Support is very important in all areas of recovery and doing stepwork is no exception.

I am listing BOTH POSITIVE AND NEGATIVE’S in my inventory because I have both. I no longer think of myself as a failure and not worthy. I no longer think of myself as just a negative no good person. I have a lot of positive traits and I am sure with help I will uncover more. Some that I didn’t even know I had. The therapeutic value of one addict helping another is without parallel.

I could go on but I don’t like long blog post. So I will keep you posted on my progress in futher posts.

Peace and Blessings

Eric Ease

NEVER GIVE UP

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Good morning. Its a rainy, cold and dreary day here in New York City.

Today I just want to say to anyone who is going through something. Anything it doesn’t matter what it is. NEVER GIVE UP. Things might seem dark right now. You might feel like there’s no way out or that this will never end. Trust and believe that it will.

I remember on so many occasions having those feelings. Thinking that what I was going through was the worst thing that ever happened to me. I remember thinking there was no way out and so I gave up. I allowed my negative thoughts to dictate my actions. I wallowed in self pity and the end results were more pain, more misery, more suffering and many, many more problems.

In my addiction I wasn’t  open to the help that was available to me. I thought that I could do it on my own. THAT I  COULD FIX ME. I found out that I couldn’t and If I was ever going to get better that I needed to seek some help. Even after coming into recovery I still struggled. When I was faced with adversity I GAVE UP. I RAN AWAY. I didn’t believe that I could ever be helped, that I didn’t  deserve the help and that the people that were trying to help wanted something in return. All of which WAS NOT TRUE.

Today I know different,  I know because although I kept running away, I kept coming back. I began to believe that I can change and that people can help. I stopped giving up. I stopped running and began to learn how to feel,  deal and heal. I found out that my thinking was mixed up and I had to learn to trust the people that were and are doing this. It’s working, all I had to do was try and NOT GIVE UP.

So if you are feeling like I did. If you have those voices that keep telling you that you cannot get through this. Don’t believe that. Don’t give up. Don’t stop trying. Don’t quit. The Miracle Is You and you can get through.

THIS TOO SHALL PASS
GIVE YOURSELF A BREAK.

Peace and Blessings

Eric Ease

MENS UNITY DAY 2

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I had a great time today bonding with the fellas. Seen some old friends from my beginnings in recovery that I haven’t seen in a while. My sponsor and my sponsee family were all there and of course my running buddy. I drove and we got there early so we help set up the meeting.

The speakers each had their own topics and there was plenty of experience, strength and hope being shared. I was able to identify with just about every speaker and the atmosphere was definitely ALL ABOUT RECOVERY.

There wasn’t any side talking and interruptions and it was a overall great experience. I will definitely be back there next year. There was PLENTY of food and the fun and fellowship just added to a more rewarding experience.

I am glad that I went and did not allow the issues of trust and the negative thoughts in my head to keep me from going. I will be attending an anniversary  later on tonight again with my running buddy.

It was a great day. My spirit has been fed and I am feeling  spiritually refreshed. Once again the fellowship provides me with the ammunition that I needed to continue living life on life’s terms.

I have tried many times and many things to stay clean and nothing worked. The fellowship was the last house on the block and the only thing that has worked for me.

I AM FOREVER GRATEFUL.

Peace and Blessings

Eric Ease

MEN’S UNITY DAY

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Tomorrow I will be going to a function called Men’s Unity Day.

At first I did not want to go. I was apprehensive because of the fact that I have trust issues with being around a bunch of men that stem from past experiences when there are a too many men together. Also all the men in my life that I looked up to as role models and such have all passed away or let me down in one way or another and I still have not come to terms with that yet. I used to run with the crew back in the days and every time we got together something would go wrong. I have trust issues period its not only with men but I don’t like being around too many at once. I know this is not like back then and I need to just let go and let god.

So like I was saying I was a little apprehensive but once I thought about it I decided to go. I think it’s high time that I work past any and all issues, real or imaginary that have stemmed from my active addiction. I think that it would be good for me to start bonding with the fellas and making new friends in recovery. I already know a lot of people who are going, my sponsor and his sponsor with be there plus some of my sponsee family will also be there. Some of the men from my home group will also be there. I know that I am not alone but sometimes doing new things can be a little scary. This year I have made a decision to reach out to more people that I do not know instead of staying in my comfort zone.

So I will be there at the Men’s Unity Day. I have no idea what to expect, what will be happening other than meetings but I look forward as always to be doing anything related to recovery. I am forever grateful that I am no longer chasing drugs or anything else that has to do with street life. I wouldn’t trade my life now for nothing in the world..Especially not my past. I will continue to do what ever is takes to maintain my freedom from active addiction.

JUST FOR TODAY. I WILL FACE AND CONQUER MY FEARS.

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I FEEL WHAT YOU ARE NOT SAYING

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Good morning,

Today I am feeling sad for one of my blogging friends. He decided that his happiness wasn’t worth it and decided to take a trip back down memory (misery) lane. Although I know that I am not responsible for his recovery and I have no control over other people or their actions, it doesn’t stop me from feeling his pain. It doesn’t stop me from feeling like I should have or could have done more. I felt that something was going on from his posts but I did not want to ASSUME. When I finally asked he did not reply back. The next post said it all.

I now know how others must have felt when dealing with me when I first came to recovery and kept going back out. I think I am finally realizing what it is like to be in their shoes now that they are on my feet. This young man in the last couple of weeks went from homelessness to having someone show him love and support and from what I was able to tell from his blog posts his addiction (the lies in our head) had him thinking he was not worthy, that he was missing something, that his life had now become boring and he was afraid he would hurt this person the way he hurt everyone else. I can really relate to all of that.

I remember when I first came around and I felt that way. I didn’t take the suggestions of the people who were trying to help me, instead I became defensive and defiant. Not saying that’s what he did. I am talking about me now. I still thought that I knew what was best for me and that they didn’t know me well enough to tell me what was wrong and how to fix it.I thought that I could do this on my own and that I did not need anyone’s help..

I LATER LEARNED THE TRUTH.

I found out the hard way that I cannot do this alone. That I need guidance and when left to my own devices I am self destructive. I had to let go of my past attitudes and behaviors If I was to change. I had to allow others to help me and be open to that help whether it came in the form of suggestion, criticism, helping hand or just plain old fashioned listening. I had to make a decision that I wanted to change more than I wanted to stay the same. Sometimes the occasional shove in the right direction was also needed. (Lots of times in the beginning) Lol. Let me be honest about that. I didn’t come into recovery honest, willing, open minded or with any acceptance but as time went on and I kept showing up things changed and I began to grow.

I know that given the chance my friend will find that acceptance too. I will continue to reach out to him and pray that he makes his way back. I am grateful to have met him because he is me and I am him. I know EXACTLY how he feels and what he is going through. My experience has taught me some valuable lessons and the main one is empathy. I know what it is like to walk in his shoes. I felt what he is feeling and I know how hard it is to accept that I am worthy of everything good that is happening to me. I had to learn to give myself a break and live in the now not in the past. It’s not easy but I am getting better everyday at it. I love this process because I am finally learning how to become a man. I grow up every time I show up. I know that there is a better way.

I know this and one day he will too.

STRUGGLE

Wow this one took me back. The struggle is real. Live in active addiction from November of 2011.

FROM STRUGGLE TO STRENGTH

I don’t know what the Fuck is wrong with me. Every day I say I’m going to stop and by the end of the day I go and pick up. I swear I feel at times that I would be better off dead. I am so fucking depressed and so fed up with the way my life is going. I know that I need to make meetings and I keep saying tomorrow, tomorrow never comes. I have to turn this around before I go insane and just give up. I don’t want to give up. I want to live. I need help.
Today is friday. Another trigger day for me. I know what needs to ne done but I’m caught up in the grips of my addiction. This Shit is killing me. Ughh. Why me. I’m feeling the self pity, the loneliness, not worthy of a good life…

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