I am noticing that I am again becoming selfish in my recovery. In the beginning I came into recovery selfish, self centered and self indulging. I didn’t care about you or anyone else. What you did, what you talked about or even what you looked like. I couldn’t think past me. Although I am not resorting back to that kind of selfishness, I am putting the focus back on me.
As time went by I began to lose the obsession with self and began to be able to communicate with and relate to others. I developed a conscience and began to have empathy. I was finally able to think about someone other than myself. For me that was a beginning of something totally new and definitely different. It was difficult but the more I showed up the more the Ice began to melt and the wall began to come down.
Today I have a genuine concern for others and I try to be there for people. I try to be someone that others can depend on. I feel that I have found my purpose and I practice exercising it to the best of my ability. Sometimes I get the feeling that people don’t really care about me though. I feel like I am being used by some and taken advantage of by others.
It can be difficult some times to tell whether my feelings are valid or just a figment of my addictive mind. If it’s my disease trying to find a new way to penetrate my defenses. Either way thats is how I have been feeling. I will continue to monitor those feelings and not allow my disease to disrupt my process.
I also feel that I have been spreading myself a little thin. Although I know that I cannot keep it unless I give it away. I know that I cannot give it all away before I recharge myself. So I will become a little selfish and keep some for myself so I can grow and become the selfless person that I am striving to become. That does not mean that I am going to stop helping others. NO WAY. I am just looking to find a balance so I can continue to help others while I also help myself.
Peace and Blessings