THE RED LIGHT INDICATOR


COCKI

We all have heard what the Red Light Indicator is.

I have even experienced it first hand and the devastation it can cause if left unchecked. I know what it can do and has done in my life and I am grateful that today I can recognize it for what it is. I can also see it’s affects and the effect on those around me. It can be loud and boisterous or it can be subtle and sneaky. It comes at you when you least expect it and it stays with you and grows the longer you allow it to display itself. I believe everyone experiences it and some people love to display it.

I’m talking about COCKINESS.

The dictionary’s definition of cockiness is arrogant; pertly self-assertive; conceited:

In my experience being arrogant is a form of know it all-ness (stick with me people I am inventing words here. Lol)So let me share my experience in that department. I came to the fellowship broken, tired, desperate, lonely, with very low self esteem and practically no self worth. I need desperately to be there and was willing to do what ever it took so I could be a part of. I remember my beginnings well. I would sit in meetings and share like Shakespeare, I would help out where ever I was needed. I would listen intently to others who shared and always had time for the new comers. I made meetings everyday and several times on weekends when I didn’t have to work.

As time went by I started to learn some things and the fog was beginning to lift a little. I started feeling a little attractive and would allow complements to go to my head. I began to get COCKY. I began to feel like I GOT THIS. I began to run my own program. (arrogant) I started missing meetings because after all “I am getting better”, I stop calling my sponsor and reading literature because after all “I got this”. I started sitting in the back and talking in meetings because I’ve been here for 2 months “I know what I am doing”. I started dressing nice and became a little popular. (pert). I stopped listening to people who were telling me where I was heading because “they didn’t know what they were talking about”. I started comparing peoples stories and judging them. I started talking more to women and seeking feelings instead of working my program.

I fell right into the trap. I got big headed with very little time, 2 – 3 months away from drugs after using for over 35 years and I thought I knew everything. I was once again the GIANT OF MY DREAMS. (self-assertive) I forgot about the pain. I forgot about how I came in the fellowship broken. No that wasn’t me. Denial was still set deep in me. I hadn’t scratched the surface of my addiction but my addiction knew and kept feeding me stories to boost my ego. I knew I looked good right, I was back to my self centered ways, no longer caring about helping anyone but myself. (conceited). 

Well needless to say It all came crashing down around me. I went back to my old attitudes and behaviors quickly, I stopped making meetings and wanted to work all the time to make more money to look good. I was more concerned with how I looked and not dealing with how I felt. SMH. Life as I knew it changed at the drop of a dime from new and exciting to old and familiar. I was back on the block and using before I knew what hit me. I was too ashamed to come back to the fellowship so I continued my downward spiral until in desperation I finally thought to seek the help that I once knew.

Cockiness is a red light indicator and If left unchecked that shit will kill me! Period!

My story is not over by a long shot. I have always been one to learn the hard way and believe me I did. It took me several attempts to get to where I am now and I am still just scratching the surface. I do not take recovery for granted. I monitor my attitudes and behaviors on a daily basis. I give myself a check up from the neck up everyday because I know that its not hard for me to believe my own bullshit. I stick with the winners because they will tell me not what I want to hear but just what I need to hear. WE keep each other in check. I stay close to my network. They are the ones that will save my life when my ass is on fire.

I know that

IF I AM NOT WORKING ON MY RECOVERY, THEN MY RELAPSE IS WORKING ON ME.

CHECK IN SO YOU DON’T CHECK OUT.

15 thoughts on “THE RED LIGHT INDICATOR

  1. And I guess im Following you….I enjoyed the Red Indicator…I will be reading loyally. Dont know how I got to that particular article. I just clicked back on our Emails. Please tell me how to join and what Links to follow ONLY when your time allow.

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  2. Erick, I just have one question. The first 2 weeks is usually my most Vulnerable..I work 1e hour shifts and cant make meetings until Fridays and the Weekends. Today is Day 3 for Me….I could use some insight. I texted the few people that would be Triggers and told them for the first 2 weeks into my recovery I’ve blocked ALL VERBAL COMMUNICATING…that I will ONLY be accepting Texts….I’ve thrown away ANY and EVERY TOOL that reminds me of Using. My Husband works 10 hour Shifts. So once I come home and get settled in i try to read stories from former Addicts and keep My mind busy not to exclude im a Words with Friends Junkie😆….but as I said, i could use some insight on how to stay FOCUSED & MOTIVATED in these EARLY TENDER DAYS in My Recovery. When your time allow I will be patiently awaiting your reply.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Good afternoon Denise. Thanks for reaching out to me. I can definitely give you some insight. First off. I have to say that communication with people that are triggers for you can be dangerous at any time in your recovery. You will hear a lot to stay away from people, places and things. What that basically means is we have to stay away from anything, anyone and any places that can cause us to want to use. It was very difficult for me because everyone I knew used. I had no friends outside of my using circle and also my family use. All I’ve known for the last 30+ years was using and finding ways and means to get more. I had to change or I would die so I had to cut them off completely or run the risk of using again. It’s difficult but not impossible. As I kept going to meetings and meeting people in recovery. I gained a new set of friends and they helped me to focus. I understand that you can only get to meetings on weekends so I would suggest reading the literature. You can download the NA basic text and other literature online. Reading the book is one of the ways that helped me in the beginning. I was able to identify with the stories and it also helped me understand a little bit about my addiction. I’m sorry I didn’t ask you what your drug of choice was. I assume everyone is a member of the NA fellowship. But I assume they also have AA literature online as well if Alcohol was your thing. Another tool is getting phone numbers from the meetings and reaching out to others as well. Talking about how you feel with people who have been there is priceless. You can contact me also at my email address fromstruggle2@gmail.com. I will always respond. If you have any questions or concerns please feel free to contact me. I am here for you.

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  3. Aah, cockyness, yes it feels good ‘I am on top of the world and looking down on creation’ at first and shit it is BAD. I was lucky, first time around I noted it. Second, third and fourth time around I started ‘informing’ people on their blog on what they were doing wrong. 😦 I thought that was not cockyness, I thought it was caring. 😦 Blindness, denial, arrogance. Very destructive mix, so sorry.

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  4. Thanks for sharing this, its so true, i dont think for one minute only you have expereienced this! I know i did, at the start i thought i knew enough, then when me an K split i thought i dont need this, ( still hadnt really got it that it was my addction that needed addressing! ) so made some excuse that i was too busy to attend my meetings ( and i only have 1 meeting a week via skype!) i didnt need to do this work because i would never see him again. But of course i did my old behaviours started as soon as i saw him! Yeah i had learnt some very basic stuff but it wasnt enough to stop my self enabling him again! So thank you again for sharing because i am guessing ‘cockiness’ happens to many of us and its good to be reminded.

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