Today I am feeling sad for one of my blogging friends. He decided that his happiness wasn’t worth it and decided to take a trip back down memory (misery) lane. Although I know that I am not responsible for his recovery and I have no control over other people or their actions, it doesn’t stop me from feeling his pain. It doesn’t stop me from feeling like I should have or could have done more. I felt that something was going on from his posts but I did not want to ASSUME. When I finally asked he did not reply back. The next post said it all.
I now know how others must have felt when dealing with me when I first came to recovery and kept going back out. I think I am finally realizing what it is like to be in their shoes now that they are on my feet. This young man in the last couple of weeks went from homelessness to having someone show him love and support and from what I was able to tell from his blog posts his addiction (the lies in our head) had him thinking he was not worthy, that he was missing something, that his life had now become boring and he was afraid he would hurt this person the way he hurt everyone else. I can really relate to all of that.
I remember when I first came around and I felt that way. I didn’t take the suggestions of the people who were trying to help me, instead I became defensive and defiant. Not saying that’s what he did. I am talking about me now. I still thought that I knew what was best for me and that they didn’t know me well enough to tell me what was wrong and how to fix it.I thought that I could do this on my own and that I did not need anyone’s help..
I LATER LEARNED THE TRUTH.
I found out the hard way that I cannot do this alone. That I need guidance and when left to my own devices I am self destructive. I had to let go of my past attitudes and behaviors If I was to change. I had to allow others to help me and be open to that help whether it came in the form of suggestion, criticism, helping hand or just plain old fashioned listening. I had to make a decision that I wanted to change more than I wanted to stay the same. Sometimes the occasional shove in the right direction was also needed. (Lots of times in the beginning) Lol. Let me be honest about that. I didn’t come into recovery honest, willing, open minded or with any acceptance but as time went on and I kept showing up things changed and I began to grow.
I know that given the chance my friend will find that acceptance too. I will continue to reach out to him and pray that he makes his way back. I am grateful to have met him because he is me and I am him. I know EXACTLY how he feels and what he is going through. My experience has taught me some valuable lessons and the main one is empathy. I know what it is like to walk in his shoes. I felt what he is feeling and I know how hard it is to accept that I am worthy of everything good that is happening to me. I had to learn to give myself a break and live in the now not in the past. It’s not easy but I am getting better everyday at it. I love this process because I am finally learning how to become a man. I grow up every time I show up. I know that there is a better way.
I know this and one day he will too.