I FEEL WHAT YOU ARE NOT SAYING


images (2)

Good morning,

Today I am feeling sad for one of my blogging friends. He decided that his happiness wasn’t worth it and decided to take a trip back down memory (misery) lane. Although I know that I am not responsible for his recovery and I have no control over other people or their actions, it doesn’t stop me from feeling his pain. It doesn’t stop me from feeling like I should have or could have done more. I felt that something was going on from his posts but I did not want to ASSUME. When I finally asked he did not reply back. The next post said it all.

I now know how others must have felt when dealing with me when I first came to recovery and kept going back out. I think I am finally realizing what it is like to be in their shoes now that they are on my feet. This young man in the last couple of weeks went from homelessness to having someone show him love and support and from what I was able to tell from his blog posts his addiction (the lies in our head) had him thinking he was not worthy, that he was missing something, that his life had now become boring and he was afraid he would hurt this person the way he hurt everyone else. I can really relate to all of that.

I remember when I first came around and I felt that way. I didn’t take the suggestions of the people who were trying to help me, instead I became defensive and defiant. Not saying that’s what he did. I am talking about me now. I still thought that I knew what was best for me and that they didn’t know me well enough to tell me what was wrong and how to fix it.I thought that I could do this on my own and that I did not need anyone’s help..

I LATER LEARNED THE TRUTH.

I found out the hard way that I cannot do this alone. That I need guidance and when left to my own devices I am self destructive. I had to let go of my past attitudes and behaviors If I was to change. I had to allow others to help me and be open to that help whether it came in the form of suggestion, criticism, helping hand or just plain old fashioned listening. I had to make a decision that I wanted to change more than I wanted to stay the same. Sometimes the occasional shove in the right direction was also needed. (Lots of times in the beginning) Lol. Let me be honest about that. I didn’t come into recovery honest, willing, open minded or with any acceptance but as time went on and I kept showing up things changed and I began to grow.

I know that given the chance my friend will find that acceptance too. I will continue to reach out to him and pray that he makes his way back. I am grateful to have met him because he is me and I am him. I know EXACTLY how he feels and what he is going through. My experience has taught me some valuable lessons and the main one is empathy. I know what it is like to walk in his shoes. I felt what he is feeling and I know how hard it is to accept that I am worthy of everything good that is happening to me. I had to learn to give myself a break and live in the now not in the past. It’s not easy but I am getting better everyday at it. I love this process because I am finally learning how to become a man. I grow up every time I show up. I know that there is a better way.

I know this and one day he will too.

4 thoughts on “I FEEL WHAT YOU ARE NOT SAYING

  1. You have a great three point combination in your life that enables you to help and encourage others, that many do not have, and that is “intelligence, compassion, and God”. I, and I am sure many others are blessed by your blog and encouraged.
    I just read your blog “About”, not knowing how I missed it earlier. As I mentioned one other time I have never been in your situation but I know many who are. I know but for the Grace of God I could have been because some of the guys I hung out with in my teens got into drugs, but I was “chicken”, thank the Lord.
    Thank you Eric, I am learning much from you. Regardless of how much I read or try to learn, I cannot speak from experience. I listen and attempt to help or guide and do what I can, being available, and asking the Lord for help.
    God’s Strength as you continue in victory Eric, growing and helping others.
    God’s Blessings.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you for reading and following my blog. I appreciate all of my readers who support and comment and I always will return the comments. Thank you as well for the kind words being blessed by my blog is a compliment of the highest degree and I am grateful that someone feels that way about something that I write. I am honored. I have to admit that I wish I was chicken when I was hanging with old friends and being pressured to fit in and wanting so bad to belong somewhere. I always admired those who were able to just say no. My younger brother is also one who never succumb to the pressures. I am thankful that my blog helps people because that is exactly what I wanted from this and feel truly blessed that I am able to share my experience through God’s grace and mercy. I will continue to write and reach out to others for I have been blessed with a purpose. Thank you again for all your support. Have a blessed day and weekend.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. It’s funny you know I was so relieved that he hadn’t committed suicide ( my understanding to wanting to say good bye to friends and family) that as hard as it was to read he had relapsed was almost a blessing. I have experienced this so many times with K our friend’s story is so close to K’s life story I think that’s why I was drawn to him and his blog. I read the desperation the abandonment and think of K. That’s why I go back to him again and again to try to prove to him that I believe in him. That he can do it and goodness and real happiness can be found. I am sad that B has relapsed and even tho we might have thought he had reached his rock bottom maybe he hasn’t yet. You know all too well how hard this journey is. He had done so well but as you say obviously doesn’t feel he deserves or wants normality yet. He will have been bored I am sure. After fighting for survival living in a warm home with food and a good woman looking after him, but with nothing to do or feel as tho he was contributing, I totally understand that he could feel he had no purpose. You are a good friend to him, even a role model, proof it can be done. But you know yourself it didn’t happen the first time the second time the third time…like Karl…we have to pray and believe they will find their day and choose life. Have a good day – karen

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hi Karen. You are right I am happy that he did not do anything worse to harm himself. I kind of felt that way too when I read his 3rd post. Then I saw the 4th one and he was on his way to use. I felt hurt but then I understood. I was there. I was young and invincible once too. I can only do what I can the rest is up to whoever I am attempting to help. I will always be available if he decides he has had enough. I know how he feels and he wants to live a normal young mans life. He still has a lot of years left and I pray he will be able to enjoy them. I will continue to reach out to him to check up on him. Thank you for your support too and for your comment. Have a blessed day.

      Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s