I remember when I first came into recovery. I was a lost, broken, scared person and I wasn’t sure if I wanted to be there. I knew that I needed to get some help and I didn’t want to keep living like I was living. I remember listening to others share their experiences and thinking that I didn’t belong here. I thought I wasn’t as bad off as them. I didn’t do those things.
The truth is I WAS THEM. I did those things and then some, but I was in such deep denial that I wasn’t ready to be so brutally honest with myself and definitely not with others. That denial led me to believe that I could go back out there and succeed at using again. I could control my using. That I could do it differently.
Well needless to say THAT WAS A LIE.
After some suffering and going in and out of recovery. I finally came to believe that I was powerless over my addiction and my life was unmanageable. I asked for strength and courage from my higher power which I came to believe in. I was able through my HP to make a decision to surrender to a different way of life. I began to take suggestions and make meetings everyday.
I got a home group and began to make friends. I was still scared and that fear has kept me from reaching out to people at times. I have gotten a little better at it, but I still to this day suffer from the fear of meeting new people. I am insecure when it comes to putting myself out there. Introduction is scary for me but also carrying on a regular conversation. I feel at times that I stumble over my words and that has kept me from being as outgoing as I would like to be.
Even though I feel this way I have made a lot of new friends. I have a large network of people in recovery that I know personally, and then I have a large network of friends that I have never met, but we interact daily online. All of these people are very important to me. I receive the help that I need daily to maintain and its a wonderful feeling.
I’ve come a long way from my days of denial and trying to disqualify myself from this process. I also know that I have a long way to go. I am grateful for the willingness that I have. I am grateful that I was made to feel so welcomed by others. I’m grateful that my roots are set, and setting deeper in this life saving process. I will continue to grow and overcome my fears and those obstacles that hold me back.
TODAY I WILL REACH OUT AND INTRODUCE MYSELF TO SOMEONE NEW.
Peace and Blessings