MY DESIRE WAS FUELED BY RAGE


DESIRE

I heard in a meeting today that you cannot judge another’s desire to stay clean.

It reminded me of a time when I was in and out of recovery. This one time in 2013 after I shared that I had 1 day back at the end of the meeting people were hugging me and this member backed away as I was reaching out for a hug and he told me he would hug me when I stayed clean. I remember the hurt feeling that I had. It was hard enough for me to come back again and say 1 day plus the fact that I am not big on hugging. I was hurt, I was angry and I really didn’t want to ever come back. I cursed that person from sun up to sun down. I held a resentment towards that person for a long time.

I remember after that happened contemplating using. I remember telling myself why not nobody believes in me anyway. Then I remembered that I got really angry and said NO fuck that I will not give that asshole the satisfaction of ever hearing me say I have 1 day back again. Just then the phrase keep coming back came to mind. I used that anger from that situation to fuel my desire. I kept making meetings and eventually I was able to let go of that anger. I also by that time started making meetings because I wanted too. I no longer used that as my reason for staying clean but it helped me to keep coming and I am grateful today for that person. In my beginning it helped me when I could not help myself. I believe my higher power used that situation to jump start my recovery.

I remember that today because we were on the 3rd Tradition and someone brought up the fact that NO ONE CAN JUDGE ANOTHER PERSON’S DESIRE TO STAY CLEAN. You see I had the desire to stay clean, I just didn’t know HOW to stay clean. I knew that I needed to stop using drugs and I knew that my life was unmanageable. I just couldn’t for the life of me figure out how not to use. How to stay away from the first one. As I kept coming back I began to plug into the program, I started to feel a part of and I started doing what others were doing. Taking suggestions and asking questions and before long my life began to change. I was able to stay away from the first one, to make some friends, learn how to live without the use of drugs and even began to care about other people. It took some time but I finally realized that I cannot do this alone. That I needed to be connected to others in recovery in order to succeed.

Today 1 year 2 months 2 weeks and 2 days later. I am doing great. My life has changed dramatically and I no longer have a desire to use anything. Not drugs, not people, places or things. My desire today has grown beyond just staying clean. It has grown to wanting more out of life, today I have dreams that are awakening and they no longer seem like they are not attainable. I believe in myself and I know that there is more life to discover. I have a desire today to help others. I want to be able to give back what was so freely given to me and I attempt to do that daily.

I also attempt to do that through this blog. I pray that I am reaching someone somewhere and I am helping to change the live’s of people who read my posts. I want people to know that they are not alone. That I am there for them. That I not only care but I also understand because I HAVE BEEN WHERE YOU ARE.

I guess basically what I am trying to say is. It doesn’t matter why you keep coming back just so long as you…

KEEP COMING BACK.

Peace and Blessings

Eric Ease

DESIRE2

8 thoughts on “MY DESIRE WAS FUELED BY RAGE

  1. I caught anger and resentment as soon as I read about that person so I can just imagine how you felt. I had a similar experience in my home group. When I first became a member of this particular home group there was one hg member who was a b–ch to me. I had such a resentment and block towards her that anything she shared I just didn’t listen to. I’ve grown a lot since then. But you sure just took me back lol! Good to see how far I’ve come. But I also see how far I have yet to go. I was so in and out it was ridiculous. We truly are miracles no matter if it’s 24hrs or 24 months…. I certainly agree that no one can judge anothers desire to stay clean. I too had the desire. I didn’t know how to stay clean and I sure didn’t know how to live a sober life. Thanks for always giving me something to think about my friend. Stay Blessed!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Thank you for sharing. Because that is why i stood by him again snd sgain so he knew someone understood and wasnt sat in judgement just was there for him. No matter what. That is why is is so hard to walk away. I have an enourmous sense of guilt not being available for him. Because the only reason he behaves like he does is because right now he has no control. I am happy for you and your understanding. You are proof it works and give me hope that one day he will succeed too. Thank you.

    Liked by 2 people

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