MY DESIRE WAS FUELED BY RAGE

DESIRE

I heard in a meeting today that you cannot judge another’s desire to stay clean.

It reminded me of a time when I was in and out of recovery. This one time in 2013 after I shared that I had 1 day back at the end of the meeting people were hugging me and this member backed away as I was reaching out for a hug and he told me he would hug me when I stayed clean. I remember the hurt feeling that I had. It was hard enough for me to come back again and say 1 day plus the fact that I am not big on hugging. I was hurt, I was angry and I really didn’t want to ever come back. I cursed that person from sun up to sun down. I held a resentment towards that person for a long time.

I remember after that happened contemplating using. I remember telling myself why not nobody believes in me anyway. Then I remembered that I got really angry and said NO fuck that I will not give that asshole the satisfaction of ever hearing me say I have 1 day back again. Just then the phrase keep coming back came to mind. I used that anger from that situation to fuel my desire. I kept making meetings and eventually I was able to let go of that anger. I also by that time started making meetings because I wanted too. I no longer used that as my reason for staying clean but it helped me to keep coming and I am grateful today for that person. In my beginning it helped me when I could not help myself. I believe my higher power used that situation to jump start my recovery.

I remember that today because we were on the 3rd Tradition and someone brought up the fact that NO ONE CAN JUDGE ANOTHER PERSON’S DESIRE TO STAY CLEAN. You see I had the desire to stay clean, I just didn’t know HOW to stay clean. I knew that I needed to stop using drugs and I knew that my life was unmanageable. I just couldn’t for the life of me figure out how not to use. How to stay away from the first one. As I kept coming back I began to plug into the program, I started to feel a part of and I started doing what others were doing. Taking suggestions and asking questions and before long my life began to change. I was able to stay away from the first one, to make some friends, learn how to live without the use of drugs and even began to care about other people. It took some time but I finally realized that I cannot do this alone. That I needed to be connected to others in recovery in order to succeed.

Today 1 year 2 months 2 weeks and 2 days later. I am doing great. My life has changed dramatically and I no longer have a desire to use anything. Not drugs, not people, places or things. My desire today has grown beyond just staying clean. It has grown to wanting more out of life, today I have dreams that are awakening and they no longer seem like they are not attainable. I believe in myself and I know that there is more life to discover. I have a desire today to help others. I want to be able to give back what was so freely given to me and I attempt to do that daily.

I also attempt to do that through this blog. I pray that I am reaching someone somewhere and I am helping to change the live’s of people who read my posts. I want people to know that they are not alone. That I am there for them. That I not only care but I also understand because I HAVE BEEN WHERE YOU ARE.

I guess basically what I am trying to say is. It doesn’t matter why you keep coming back just so long as you…

KEEP COMING BACK.

Peace and Blessings

Eric Ease

DESIRE2

ROOTS

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My roots a getting deeper in recovery.

I remember when I first came into recovery. I was a lost, broken, scared person and I wasn’t sure if I wanted to be there. I knew that I needed to get some help and I didn’t want to keep living like I was living. I remember listening to others share their experiences and thinking that I didn’t belong here. I thought I wasn’t as bad off as them. I didn’t do those things.

The truth is I WAS THEM. I did those things and then some, but I was in such deep denial that I wasn’t ready to be so brutally honest with myself and definitely not with others. That denial led me to believe that I could go back out there and succeed at using again. I could control my using. That I could do it differently.

Well needless to say THAT WAS A LIE.

After some suffering and going in and out of recovery. I finally came to believe that I was powerless over my addiction and my life was unmanageable. I asked for strength and courage from my higher power which I came to believe in. I was able through my HP to make a decision to surrender to a different way of life. I began to take suggestions and make meetings everyday.

I got a home group and began to make friends. I was still scared and that fear has kept me from reaching out to people at times. I have gotten a little better at it, but I still to this day suffer from the fear of meeting new people. I am insecure when it comes to putting myself out there. Introduction is scary for me but also carrying on a regular conversation. I feel at times that I stumble over my words and that has kept me from being as outgoing as I would like to be.

Even though I feel this way I have made a lot of new friends. I have a large network of people in recovery that I know personally, and then I have a large network of friends that I have never met, but we interact daily online. All of these people are very important to me.  I receive the help that I need daily to maintain and its a wonderful feeling.

I’ve come a long way from my days of denial and trying to disqualify myself from this process. I also know that I have a long way to go. I am grateful for the willingness that I have. I am grateful that I was made to feel so welcomed by others. I’m grateful that my roots are set, and setting deeper in this life saving process. I will continue to grow and overcome my fears and those obstacles that hold me back.

TODAY I WILL REACH OUT AND INTRODUCE MYSELF TO SOMEONE NEW.

Peace and Blessings

Eric Ease