THAT LONELY FEELING OF FEELING LONELY

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HAVE YOU EVER FELT LONELY EVEN IN A CROWDED ROOM.

Do you have plenty of friends but yet still feel like you don’t fit in? Do you feel like an outsider in your own home? Have you ever felt like when you speak no one hears you, but you know you said something because you heard your own voice? Do you sometimes talk to yourself because at least you know then that someone is listening? Do you feel like you are the only one who feels like this? Do you ever feel like no one would understand if you told them you felt this way.

I have and I do.

I have experienced the feelings of loneliness described above on many occasions. I can tell you this with no hesitation because it has happened to me and it is real for me. I have been there and done that and actually even thought at one point that I wasn’t worthy of having any friends. That I am so insignificant that people don’t pay me any mind. Like I’m just a bump in the road or a piece of gum on the ground. Like an illusion, not real, just a damn dream. I know that feeling.

When I was using I isolated. I was totally happy alone and would rather be alone than be around other people. I was ok with it or so I told myself. I was so paranoid that I didn’t want people around me because 1.I didn’t trust them and 2. They made too much noise. I liked it nice and quiet when I used. The truth is that I was so far gone that I was embarrassed to be around people when I used. So the best thing was for me to be alone. They didn’t need to know how powerless and unmanageable I was. Truth also is that I used to cry because I felt so ashamed, alone and guilty.

I can identify with those feelings and I can honestly say that sometimes even now I still go through those feelings. I have a bunch of new friends in recovery and sometimes I feel lonely. But all I have to do is reach out to someone. There is no need for me to feel like that but that doesn’t stop the feelings from showing up. You know what else, feelings are not facts. I might feel lonely but I know that I am not alone. Today I have people in my life that truly care about me. They call me when they do not hear from me and text me all day long. I know they are there without a doubt. Just because I feel lonely doesn’t make it true. It’s only a feeling and it will pass. Like goosebumps and gas.

Peace and blessings.

Eric Ease