INSIDE JOB


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OR ANYTHING!

RECOVERY IS A INSIDE JOB.

I am learning the true meaning of this statement and can only say that I agree totally and without any doubts.
I know from experience about placing value on material things. Ever since I can remember I have placed a value on obtaining THINGS. In my active addiction I had to have more things than you, better things than you. MORE, MORE AND MORE. In the end none of it mattered because I SOLD EVERYTHING. MINES, YOURS AND THEIRS.

Even now in recovery I still value things whether it be clothes, money, watches, sneakers or some of the many other material things that I have accumulated over this past year. Obsession and compulsion shows up in many different areas of my life. I am good for dressing up the outside but feeling worthless on the inside. Putting on a front like I’ve got myself together but really feeling lost and helpless at times.

I have been working my steps and I am beginning to realize some things about myself that I didn’t know. Well I knew but have kept hidden from view, buried deep in my sub conscious cellar. The place where all my fears, insecurities and secrets dwell. That place that is now under renovation, under going a complete gutting and restructuring. I am beginning to feel again. I am realizing that I am not that person I always thought I was. That no good, good for nothingness person.

I am beginning to care for others, I am beginning to have a conscience. To have empathy, I mean to really have identification with others. I am learning to have substance, to be a man of my word, to be proud of myself and to also be proud of others. I am becoming a man. I am taking care of my responsibilities. Dealing with the life on life’s terms and not backing down or running away.

Today I am not using.
People, Places, Things or Drugs. Instead I am using
Honesty, Open Mindedness, Willingness, Acceptance, Empathy, Surrender and many other principles that I am learning.

Although I will always like to have THINGS, I am working on not allowing those material THINGS to define me. Because in the end material things..

WILL NOT KEEP ME CLEAN.

11 thoughts on “INSIDE JOB

  1. As always. Another great post. I look forward each day to reading them. I can usually relate in some way. I feel like something has been going on with you the past couple days. Hope you’re OK. I know you’re not in danger of using, but I just hope you’re OK inside. That’s all.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you Danielle. I appreciate your comment and support. You are right I have been going through some feelings but I’m ok. I am grateful to be able to feel today. Doing step work is opening up my eyes to some changes that I need to make. I’m growing and for that I am thankful. You have very good perception. Thank you for taking notice. Have a blessed day.

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  2. Pingback: INSIDE JOB | Dmperillo's Blog

  3. Yes material things don’t bear any reflection on the person underneath. Well no that’s not true is it? They unfortunately are held in very high regard by some. I like my things, things I have worked for and have bought with my money. Things I like. I understand the theory behind possessions do not make the man. I do not know if you are aware of the Maslows heirachy of need ( I am sure you will be) but once our basic needs are met then we build on that. I do not think there is anything wrong with wanting or indeed buying nice things. But here lies the paradox! Cross addiction is not healthy of course! Buying things to make you feel better is not healthy or right. But when you are healthy material possessions are not bad, are they?? Yes I understand that if they are being used as status they are being used negatively, I also understand the thinking, that pairing back everything you hold in reverence, can help recovery, as they are just trinkets and glitter, ( so I am agreeing!) but karl often said that things were not important, and yet he still sees my way of life something he wants to buy into. Food heat a roof over my head ( basics) and then the car ( essential for my job) and then holidays nice clothes ( not designer just well made that will last) going out for food or a movie, all of those things are the gravy! Not necessities true, but do you think make for a nice life? Life in or out of addiction is pretty boring and poor if you can’t treat yourself now and again? Forgive me if this seems to be questioning you, I am not I am questioning myself and would value your opinion 😊

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    • Not at all I appreciate the feed back. There are categories that certain things fall under. for instance, food, roof, car, heat. Those are basic needs or necessities if you will. Some people think that having a expensive car is necessary when i used car works just as well. Or that money, property and prestige will make them happy. In my post I am more or less referring to buying stuff to look good but not working on myself and what truly makes me feel good. Im talking about doing some work so I feel good on the inside and then my insides can match my outer appearance. I used to think those things made me happy but found out that I was still miserable inside because I did not like who I was. Its fine to buy oneself nice things. Hell if you work hard you deserve to spend your money any way you want to. I know for me materialistic things will not make me truly happy they only appear to. If I am not happy inside with who I am and where I am at all the trinkets and toys in the world cannot make up for that. I am only speaking from my experience and how it affects me and my emotional state of mind. Thank you as always for posting your comments. I truly appreciate it.

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      • Thank you of course I feel a bit daft not getting what you were saying! 😊 I think that was what I was trying to say in some very round about way with the cross addiction stuff! But you have said it far better! Of course, I get it now and totally understand where you are coming from, and are totally right if you haven’t got the love for yourself in side no window dressing will make it right! Thank you for getting back to me, I am learning so much from your blog, of course it’s your journey and I shouldn’t compare it to anyone else’s but it’s good to read, and I am guessing there will be some cross over, even if it’s only ( ONLY! Lol) the 12 steps stuff!

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        • Thank you so much for you kind words and always commenting it means a lot to me to know that you read it. And please anytime you have a question do not hesitate to ask I am here to help any way that I can. Addiction is that monster under the bed and it steals joy every and any where it can. I am grateful to share my experience with anyone willing to listen. I try to learn as much as I can about the disease of addiction through many different outlets. I’ve always heard that what might work for one doesn’t always work for another and that is why I always share it is through my experience. I know plenty of people who are very happy inside and out with things and that’s fine its just not my story. One day I will feel as good inside as I look on the outside but until then i will continue to do what I’ve been doing. I am grateful this is a learning process and also that its no time frame. If there was a time frame I think It would have expired on me already. Lol. If you ever have any questions and do not wish to post on the blog you can use the contact me page on the blog to send me a email. Thank you again for all of your support. I really appreciate it. 🙂

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