RECOVERY IS A INSIDE JOB.
I am learning the true meaning of this statement and can only say that I agree totally and without any doubts.
I know from experience about placing value on material things. Ever since I can remember I have placed a value on obtaining THINGS. In my active addiction I had to have more things than you, better things than you. MORE, MORE AND MORE. In the end none of it mattered because I SOLD EVERYTHING. MINES, YOURS AND THEIRS.
Even now in recovery I still value things whether it be clothes, money, watches, sneakers or some of the many other material things that I have accumulated over this past year. Obsession and compulsion shows up in many different areas of my life. I am good for dressing up the outside but feeling worthless on the inside. Putting on a front like I’ve got myself together but really feeling lost and helpless at times.
I have been working my steps and I am beginning to realize some things about myself that I didn’t know. Well I knew but have kept hidden from view, buried deep in my sub conscious cellar. The place where all my fears, insecurities and secrets dwell. That place that is now under renovation, under going a complete gutting and restructuring. I am beginning to feel again. I am realizing that I am not that person I always thought I was. That no good, good for nothingness person.
I am beginning to care for others, I am beginning to have a conscience. To have empathy, I mean to really have identification with others. I am learning to have substance, to be a man of my word, to be proud of myself and to also be proud of others. I am becoming a man. I am taking care of my responsibilities. Dealing with the life on life’s terms and not backing down or running away.
Today I am not using.
People, Places, Things or Drugs. Instead I am using
Honesty, Open Mindedness, Willingness, Acceptance, Empathy, Surrender and many other principles that I am learning.
Although I will always like to have THINGS, I am working on not allowing those material THINGS to define me. Because in the end material things..
WILL NOT KEEP ME CLEAN.