I’ve heard it said that feelings aren’t facts.
But it’s a fact that I feel. I sometimes don’t know how I feel. At other times I know exactly how I feel. Today is one of those days when I don’t know what I’m feeling. I am suffering from loneliness one minute and the next who knows. If I had to put a name to some of the feelings I would say Sad, Happy, Tired, Depressed, Worthless, Useless, Bored and Content.
Judging by the list I just described I guess I do know what I am feeling. I just can’t sometimes figure out why. Why do I feel lonely. I have a bunch of new friends in recovery. Yes but how many of them do I actually interact with outside of meetings. Why am I sad. Probably because I am struggling to get past thise feelings of not being worthy of others friendship. I get feelings of happiness when I look at how far I have come and that I have a job, a roof over my head and food to eat. I remember the days when I didn’t. I’ve been feeling really tired lately and just plain lazy. I need to exercise or something. I’ve been going out but I really just want to lounge around and do nothing.
Which then makes me depressed because time is moving so fast and I start to feel like I should be further along than I am and like I am not making enough progress. Which by the way I know is NOT true. I have made tremendous progress. I then began to feel content with my living situation and who I am and where I am, compared to where I would be had it not been for recovery.
So thats where I am at today. I’ve been in my head and I know I shouldn’t be. Don’t misunderstand, I have no thoughts of using drugs. NONE WHAT SO EVER. But the obsession and compulsion shows up in many different ways in different areas of my life. The emotional roller coaster can wreak havoc when it is not checked.
The disease of addiction is tricky to say the least. Vigilance and awareness are major keys to my recovery and acceptance of my disease, of who I am and where I want to go in life help me to continue to move in a forward direction. I am human and I will feel but that doesn’t mean I have to act off those feelings. I have learned that
THIS TOO SHALL PASS.