I remember when I was a teenager. Having a different girlfriend every other..well you get the picture. I used to think that I was the man. Being semi popular was exciting. Drinking on weekends and going to parties was the norm. Little did I know those behaviors would become a disastrous trend.
When the using switched from casual to mandatory my life began to really spiral out of control and I found myself by myself. No one wanted to be around me. I wasn’t semi popular anymore at least not for any good reasons. I had turned into a angry hermit. Using people, paying for sex with drugs and that was disastrous within itself. It usually wasn’t even about sex anymore it just became wanting companionship.
Looking back my life was pretty pathetic in the end. I felt just like I did before I started using. I just wanted to belong, to fit in somewhere, anywhere. Drugs weren’t doing it for me anymore, I couldn’t stand myself and the loneliness was killing me more than the crack I was smoking. I would get into a relationship just so I wouldn’t feel so damn lonely.
The same patterns seemed to follow me throughout my first couple of years in recovery too. Instead of me following the suggestions of the program I looked for women to get with and continued to do things my way and as a result I continued to be miserable. This past year, I had to make a change in my behavior and attitudes. I didn’t want to do the same things and get the same results. I didn’t. I got into a relationship for the right reasons, I wasn’t in it because I was lonely. I was actually ready to finally settle down and do some real big boy stuff. Unfortunately that relationship did not work out and we went our separate ways. I’m not angry anymore. I made peace with it.
So here I am today not feeling sad or unwanted, useless or worthless because another one got away. No I am not on a pity pot. No Whoa is me bullshit because all my relationships end in disaster. I am learning to take care of me. To do what makes me happy. I go out to eat, movies or whatever I want to do. I need to be able to be happy with me. I cannot control others nor can they control me. Living life on life’s terms means allowing others to be who they are and so I will be who I am.
So I will keep the focus where it belongs for now, on me and my recovery. My Disaster Management program is in effect.
AND IM OK WITH THAT.