Reflection 2014 by Zach S.

Please check out Zach’s blog at
http://www.supazach.blogspot.com

My Life
Life, Recovery, Happiness, Growth
Friday, January 2, 2015

2014 – Reflection
I have been piecing together this entry for a few days now, on the way home from a meeting tonight it all came together. So here it goes…….

With the end of the year upon us, I wanted to reflect on mine.

This year, I have loved, lost, learned, grown, and started over. I have realized some things that I would like to share with you.

By the grace of my Higher Power, my family, the program, the 12 steps, and my support circle, I had the opportunity to celebrate 5 years clean this September. I have sponsees that are working a program and I have gained grand-sponsees that are doing the same. I was able to establish a boundary that took me this long to figure out; I only put effort peoples recovery that are willing to put effort into their own. I learned a great deal about myself through working the steps, and also through my service commitments. After this sunday I will have completed a full term as the Central Washington Area’s Chair. It was a difficult and challenging year for the area, I had to make a lot of uncomfortable but neccessary decisions. I can honestly say that I did the best job I could.

After much thought, prayer, and meditation, I decided to gracefully decline a nomination for second term . I achieved my goal of being the Area’s chair and grew from it. I also realized that I was getting burnt out from doing service work. I decided I needed to work on my recovery as opposed to being everyone’s everything. I had the thought that if I didn’t do it, no one would. I was wrong and I can admit that.

I was finally able to make my amends to the people I felt needed one, all were well received too. I finally shut the door on the dark cloud that was looming over my head for the past 5+ years and made my amends and both financial and emotional to my ex-girlfriend from Bellevue. There hadn’t been a day that went by that I didn’t think of what was going to be said or how it was going to go. It didn’t go the way I thought it would, but went the way it was supposed to. That chapter of my life is done, and I was able to do the right thing.

Learned valuable lessons throughout this year as well. Just because you want a relationship to work, doesn’t mean it is supposed to or going to. We as people tend to look past things that our gut screams at us to RUN from in order to stay sane in a relationship. I did that far too many times last year, things didn’t sit well with me and I continued to pull the wool over my eyes and tell myself that things were copacetic. Wrong person, wrong time, wrong situation for me and my life today. Lesson learned, no longer will I look past things in a relationship as if things are all good. If they are not, I intend to speak to them and take action.

I also recently came to the thought process/challenge I would like to employ you to try: If you are starting a new relationship or thinking about getting into one…… put your worst foot forward not your best. Why wait 4 months to see what the other person is like, get it out of the way now before you have invested your time and your heart into it. This is who I am, for better or worse, love me or leave me. Makes perfect sense, instead of trying to be someone you are not in hopes to impress that person, just put it all out there and move forward or move on.

Why compromise yourself or try to be someone you think they want you to be? Good question right, I have been doing it so wrong for so long. It isn’t until recently I became aware to this. We all go through phases or situations that we learn from, it is only the smart ones that apply those situations to their future well being.

As always thank you for the support and giving me a few moments of your attention. May 2015 be your most succesful year to date, I intend to.

LOVE
Zach Semon at 9:57 PM

NO

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I have learned that NO is a complete sentence.

Wow. You mean to tell me that its ok to say NO. That I do not have to put up with things that I don’t agree with. That I don’t have to do something that I dont want to just because I don’t want to hurt your feelings. All I have to do is say NO.

I remember thinking that I didn’t have a choice. If I say NO then I will hurt this persons feelings and they won’t like me anymore. Or If I say NO the crew wont want me to be a part of anymore. I remember doing things against my will just for the sake of BEING DOWN, To be LIKED or to have FRIENDS. Saying NO was one of the hardest things for me to do.

Not only for the sake of being a part of either. In THE END I couldn’t say NO to the drugs either. I remember wanting to stop but I just didn’t know how. I didn’t know that there was another way to live so I remember just giving up. Saying YES to everyone and everything when I wanted to say NO! I became a people pleaser and very unhappy.

In the here and now, I find myself still at times practicing this behavior. Not saying NO because of thoughts of hurting someone’s feelings. Or what they will think about me or say about me.

But what about my feelings. Why should I compromise how I feel for the sake of making you feel better. Why should I be made to feel guilty for something that I don’t want to do. 
I SHOULDN’T.
I am grateful for the fellowship and the process of recovery. Not just the steps but the process as a whole. I am learning who I am, what I like and don’t like. I am beginning to FIND MYSELF  and STAND UP for myself and what I believe. I am learning how to make healthier CHOICES and DECISIONS

I am GROWING UP and into a more responsible and productive person not just in society but INSIDE of me as well.
It’s a great feeling to stand up for myself and not just SETTLE  for whatever. I am grateful for the OPPORTUNITY to grow and get to know me for the first time in my life. I am finding FREEDOM from what others think of me by learning to LOVE and RESPECT MYSELF

MORE WILL BE REVEALED.

DISASTER MANAGEMENT

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I remember when I was a teenager. Having a different girlfriend every other..well you get the picture. I used to think that I was the man. Being semi popular was exciting. Drinking on weekends and going to parties was the norm. Little did I know those behaviors would become a disastrous trend.

When the using switched from casual to mandatory my life began to really spiral out of control and I found myself  by myself. No one wanted to be around me. I wasn’t semi popular anymore at least not for any good reasons. I had turned into a angry hermit. Using people, paying for sex with drugs and that was disastrous within itself. It usually wasn’t even about sex anymore it just became wanting companionship.
DISASTROUS 

Looking back my life was pretty pathetic in the end. I felt just like I did before I started using. I just wanted to belong, to fit in somewhere, anywhere. Drugs weren’t doing it for me anymore, I couldn’t stand myself and the loneliness was killing me more than the crack I was smoking. I would get into a  relationship just so I wouldn’t feel so damn lonely.

DISASTROUS

The same patterns seemed to follow me throughout my first couple of years in recovery too. Instead of me following the suggestions of the program I looked for women to get with and  continued to do things my way and as a result I continued to be miserable. This past year, I had to make a change in my behavior and attitudes. I didn’t want to do the same things and get the same results. I didn’t. I got into a relationship for the right reasons, I wasn’t in it because I was lonely. I was actually ready to finally settle down and do some real big boy stuff. Unfortunately that relationship did not work out and we went our separate ways. I’m not angry anymore. I made peace with it.

So here I am today not feeling sad or unwanted, useless or worthless because another one got away. No I am not on a pity pot. No Whoa is me bullshit because all my relationships end in disaster. I am learning to take care of me. To do what makes me happy. I go out to eat, movies or whatever I want to do. I need to be able to be happy with me. I cannot control others nor can they control me. Living life on life’s terms means allowing others to be who they are and so I will be who I am.

So I will keep the focus where it belongs for now, on me and my recovery. My Disaster Management program is in effect.

BY MYSELF. IM DOING ME.
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AND IM OK WITH THAT.