We all have heard what the Red Light Indicator is.
I have even experienced it first hand and the devastation it can cause if left unchecked. I know what it can do and has done in my life and I am grateful that today I can recognize it for what it is. I can also see it’s affects and the effect on those around me. It can be loud and boisterous or it can be subtle and sneaky. It comes at you when you least expect it and it stays with you and grows the longer you allow it to display itself. I believe everyone experiences it and some people love to display it.
I’m talking about COCKINESS.
The dictionary’s definition of cockiness is arrogant; pertly self-assertive; conceited:
In my experience being arrogant is a form of know it all-ness (stick with me people I am inventing words here. Lol). So let me share my experience in that department. I came to the fellowship broken, tired, desperate, lonely, with very low self esteem and practically no self worth. I need desperately to be there and was willing to do what ever it took so I could be a part of. I remember my beginnings well. I would sit in meetings and share like Shakespeare, I would help out where ever I was needed. I would listen intently to others who shared and always had time for the new comers. I made meetings everyday and several times on weekends when I didn’t have to work.
As time went by I started to learn some things and the fog was beginning to lift a little. I started feeling a little attractive and would allow complements to go to my head. I began to get COCKY. I began to feel like I GOT THIS. I began to run my own program. (arrogant) I started missing meetings because after all “I am getting better”, I stop calling my sponsor and reading literature because after all “I got this”. I started sitting in the back and talking in meetings because I’ve been here for 2 months “I know what I am doing”. I started dressing nice and became a little popular. (pert). I stopped listening to people who were telling me where I was heading because “they didn’t know what they were talking about”. I started comparing peoples stories and judging them. I started talking more to women and seeking feelings instead of working my program.
I fell right into the trap. I got big headed with very little time, 2 – 3 months away from drugs after using for over 35 years and I thought I knew everything. I was once again the GIANT OF MY DREAMS. (self-assertive) I forgot about the pain. I forgot about how I came in the fellowship broken. No that wasn’t me. Denial was still set deep in me. I hadn’t scratched the surface of my addiction but my addiction knew and kept feeding me stories to boost my ego. I knew I looked good right, I was back to my self centered ways, no longer caring about helping anyone but myself. (conceited).
Well needless to say It all came crashing down around me. I went back to my old attitudes and behaviors quickly, I stopped making meetings and wanted to work all the time to make more money to look good. I was more concerned with how I looked and not dealing with how I felt. SMH. Life as I knew it changed at the drop of a dime from new and exciting to old and familiar. I was back on the block and using before I knew what hit me. I was too ashamed to come back to the fellowship so I continued my downward spiral until in desperation I finally thought to seek the help that I once knew.
Cockiness is a red light indicator and If left unchecked that shit will kill me! Period!
My story is not over by a long shot. I have always been one to learn the hard way and believe me I did. It took me several attempts to get to where I am now and I am still just scratching the surface. I do not take recovery for granted. I monitor my attitudes and behaviors on a daily basis. I give myself a check up from the neck up everyday because I know that its not hard for me to believe my own bullshit. I stick with the winners because they will tell me not what I want to hear but just what I need to hear. WE keep each other in check. I stay close to my network. They are the ones that will save my life when my ass is on fire.
I know that
IF I AM NOT WORKING ON MY RECOVERY, THEN MY RELAPSE IS WORKING ON ME.
CHECK IN SO YOU DON’T CHECK OUT.