I am far from the go to guy.

Truth is I often wonder why people ask me questions about recovery. I need to let you know that I am still a sick and suffering addict. The difference is, today I am not sick and suffering from drugs. Now that the drugs are gone, the real issues start to surface. The issues that made me use drugs in the first place. The low self esteem and low self worth. The fear of success and fear of anything just fear in general. Not fitting in, not feeling loved or wanted, loneliness. You name it. I work very hard at finding out who I am, exposing my demons and repairing damage that I have done to myself. It is not a easy task but I remain willing because I want to become a better person.

I know that I have lived the life and by the grace of God made it out.

I am placed in a position to be able to offer my experience in the hopes that I can help at least one person. If I can help anyone I will be more that glad to do so. But I need to remember that I can only tell you what worked for me. I cannot get into telling anyone what they should or should not do. I know that being a addict I can easily slip into the all to familiar disease of CRS

CAN’T REMEMBER SHIT. (STUFF) Lol

I NEED TO KEEP UP FRONT THAT I ONLY HAVE A DAILY REPRIEVE AND IF I FORGET WHERE I CAME FROM, I AM DOOMED TO REPEAT. I CANNOT AFFORD TO PAY THE HIGH PRICE TO LIVE SO LOW…

I am just slightly different than your average blogger. I write my blog basically about me with a little twist. I give you the before and then how it is now. I write about my drug addiction to crack, alcohol and what ever else I used. I do not sugar coat it, I do not use too much profanity to make my point, I just try to be as honest as I can so you can get the real feel of how this addict and his addiction lived and is living now.

I appreciate all of my readers, your thoughts and comments mean the world to me. I get strength in the midst of my struggle from all of you. Please feel free to message me either here on the blog or go to the contact me page and send me a email. I love to hear from you.

Thank you for allowing me to share.

Eric Ease

For those of you that read my blog, you have probably noticed that I repeat certain things over and over. The reason being:

THIS IS A REPETITIOUS PROGRAM.

The reason being. In order for me to be able to change old habits that have been ingrained and have become second nature I have to keep doing the same new things so they become the new habit.

I remember all to well the repetition of my active addiction. The vicious cycle that I continued over and over for years. Have you ever seen a short video clip that plays for a minute and then automatically starts over immediately. That’s how addiction was for me. I would do the same things everyday. The same time for the most part with very little variation to my routine. Outside of the day to day routine of getting, using and finding ways and means to get more the bigger picture of my cycle went like this.

I USED UNTIL I WAS ALMOST DEAD, I EITHER GOT LOCKED UP OR WENT TO A TREATMENT FACILITY, CAME HOME, AND DID THE SAME THINGS ALL OVER AGAIN. THIS WAS MY VICIOUS CYCLE FOR YEARS.

I could never understand why I could not break this cycle. I always thought that I could stop when ever I wanted to, but the truth is I could not stop. I had lost all control over my actions and my thoughts were filled with using. Even when I didn’t want to use I had lost the power to do anything about it. I didn’t know this at the time but my life was unmanageable and I was powerless over my addiction.

Now that I have some knowledge of my addiction. I say some because this is a learning process and I learn something new every day. I understand that I have to change my thought process which in turn helps me to change my actions. So if I do different things I will get different results. I took suggestions from people in the fellowship like

Make 90 meetings in 90 days.

I didn’t understand this at first. I thought why would I want to do that. I realize that it is so I can get used to making meetings, so I can give myself a break and practice something new instead of the same old routine. It has helped me tremendously and I still make meetings regularly.

Get involved with service

I have found out that doing service has helped me to get out of my head. It helps me to think of doing something for others rather than always thinking about me and my wants and needs. I also noticed that there is a sense of accomplishment that goes along with service and a good feeling of doing something nice for someone else.

Read Literature

Reading recovery literature is important. It helps me to realize that I am not unique nor am I alone in what I may be feeling or going through. I remember thinking that it was written about me. LOL I had so much identification with what I was reading that I was like reading a book written about my life. Literature is written by addicts for addicts. It helps answer some of those questions that I was afraid to ask. It helped explain some of the program and how it works. It helps me to uncover some of the things that I have kept hidden from everyone for so long.

I am in a process that is new to me and I need guidance so It is suggested that I read and write, make meetings, get a sponsor and a home group, get phone numbers and dial them don’t just file them in my phone. I need to reach out to others when I am feeling like using or whatever I am feeling. Making new friends and building a foundation is very important. Surrender, Honesty, Open Mindedness, Willingness and Acceptance are all tools of my process today. I have to practice them on a daily basis several times. This is a never ending process and its a new way to live but I must continue to stay vigilant and repeat what works. There are times when I get tired of doing the same things but I need to remember that I can either do the same things that are saving my life..Or I can do the same things that was killing me for years. So I just remind myself that…

It is repetitious for a reason. The reason is life saving.