I heard it said in meetings many times that grateful addicts don’t use. I never understood that statement. Every time I heard someone say that I felt less than because I couldn’t stop using. I figured I must not be grateful then.
Many of you have read my story and for those of you who have not you can by reading About and My Story The Life Not Yet Fulfilled. I have used drugs just about all my life. Almost 40 years of using does something to a person. In the end I was a hopeless, worthless crack head. I wanted to die and I saw no way out of my desperation, despair and isolation. I didn’t know that there was a solution to my madness. I was in a very dark place and Death seemed like a brilliant idea and I always had brilliant ideas, my life was filled with them. My life was a revolving door of pain, misery, suffering, jails and institutions. This vicious cycle continued to grow and become worse until in final desperation my higher power saw fit to save me from myself. I came to the rooms of Narcotics Anonymous.
The fellowship saved my life. I know that had I not changed my ways I would be dead. There’s no doubt in my mind that I have been spared. I have a new found faith and a positive outlook on life today. I care about others and try to help people and not hurt them today. Today I understand gratitude for the fellowship and my recovery. I know what it means today to be grateful. Having had a little time without the use of drugs has cleared my mind a little and I am better able to comprehend things. I can connect a few more dots day by day.
I no longer pray for death, today I want to live. Not only live but live honestly. I have made tremendous progress since I first walked through the doors in 2011. I have and still do make mistakes but I learn from them, I dont feel like a failure and run to medicate anymore. I am learning how to live life on life’s terms and not my terms. My best thinking got me here. It brought me to my knees. I am able to stand tall today and not be ashamed of who I am or where I have came from.
I am a grateful recovering addict.