All to often I resort to anger to be the answer to many of life’s problems.That method has gotten me in more trouble than I care to talk about but I will anyway.
Ever since I can remember, I mean way back in public school days I have had a problem with anger. I have never been able to control my temper and would sometimes fly off into a uncontrollable rage as early as my pre-teen years. I’ve been to doctor’s (lets call it what it is Psychiatrist), and anger management classes, Therapy sessions have never seemed to work for me. I guess because I never took any of it serious. I have not only had anger issues but also denial of my anger issues. Being that I never thought I had a problem, I never truly sought a solution.
Throughout the years anger has clouded my judgement and caused me to make some very irrational decisions. Acting off of impulse has not made matters any better either. Needless to say I have had many a moment to sit back and evaluate my behavior after the fact only to allow that same defect to poke its ugly head back up and do the same things over and over. In recovery we define insanity as doing the same things expecting different results. I always thought that referred to using drugs, but I have come to realize that it applies to many areas of my life that haven’t got a thing to do with me using a substance.
I have a track record of doing the same thing and expecting things to turn out different and when they don’t I try to tweak it to make it work instead of just stopping the behavior. I have been in a vicious cycle for so long that sometimes I don’t even realize that I am acting on the behavior until its too late. I also sometimes know I am acting on this behavior and choose to carry it out just for pure instant gratification or some selfish need. I’m not sure how many of you can understand what I am getting at but this is my story and I can only tell you how it is for me. I can only share what I go through and how it affects me. If you can relate that’s cool if you cannot, more power to you. I am glad you don’t have to experience this madness. I am dealing with some serious issues that have been around for decades and I am beginning to understand just a little bit about them and how they are affecting my life.
Thanks to the process of recovery and the work that I am doing, I am finally beginning to get some of the answers to questions that have eluded me for years. I am grateful to be able to finally get some closure even if it’s only a little bit. I am finally able to put my finger on some things and it is a very satisfying feeling. I know that I am in the early stages of my recovery and I have only scratched the surface but at least I can see the scratch marks so I know that I am making progress. Today I strive for progress not perfection and I try not to get angry when I do not get something right.
I appreciate all of my readers who follow my blog and respond to my sometimes crazy thinking and internal mayhem. It truly means the world to me to be able to write and have people respond.
It lets me know that I am not alone.