I don’t know where to start but here goes.
My story has many different levels and many chapters. And one day I will be able to share what has been locked away deep inside of me. My father was my best friend and I never got to really say goodbye but even worse than that I never got to tell him that I loved him or to thank him for everything that he has done for me.
As I sit here typing this I am crying. I have a very hard time with this because I never was able to properly grieve or get closure. My Father’s death is still an open wound. That I haven’t been able to deal with. I am sad right now. The holidays are always sad for me.
My father died in 2001. It was the hardest thing I ever had to deal with. I mean others in my family have died but it was nothing like when my father passed away. A part of me died that day too. After his death I totally shut the world out. I shut down emotionally and crawled even deeper into my private world. Never to allow anyone to get to know me on a deep level. Never to be able to show true emotions or feelings or care or concern. The only role model I ever had was dead and I wished it was me. I deserved it. I was the fuck up. I was the black sheep and yet God took him. Why?