THIS IS NOT A TEST


AND IT’S DAMN SURE NOT A GAME.

In my active addiction I always looked for handouts, the easy way out, for someone else to do it for me and for something for nothing. I lied, cheated, begged, borrowed and stole my way to a miserable existence. I always thought that I was slicker than oil. Smoother than ice and twice as nice. Truth is I was a bum, a derelict, a leech…You get the picture. I didn’t take my life serious. I didn’t take you serious. I didn’t take threats, final notices, arrests, warnings of any kind serious. I thought I was cool but in reality I was a big fat joke. I used people and played on peoples emotions. I made people feel sorry for me, guilty for not helping me or ashamed. I wasn’t a good friend, boyfriend, son or person in general. Drugs they do that to you and a whole lot more. I will not sugar coat my addiction. I want you to know what it was like for me and what it is like for someone you might know. I was suffering and didn’t even know it and once I did know it. I LOST THE ABILITY TO DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT. I gave up and didn’t care in the end. Life was a 3 ring circus and I was the ringmaster. Or so I thought, but the reality was I was the clown, the puppet, the slave to my addiction. My life was a comedy, a sitcom, a cartoon. Funny to some.

But in the end…No one was laughing. Especially not me.

I say all of this because i want you to see where I have come from and see where I am at today. I want you to know that there is hope. That recovery is possible. I do not play when it comes to protecting my recovery. I take my recovery very serious. I am committed to staying clean and practicing living a positive, productive life. I have learned the hard way that NOTHING in this life that is worth having comes to you for free. I have learned that no one can do this for me. That I cannot do this for anyone else. I had to want to get clean for me. I have been locked up, in treatment centers and other institutions but always returned to using because I DIDN’T BELIEVE THAT I COULD EVER STOP USING. Today I know that I have to take certain steps to obtain and then maintain it. I don’t like to ask for anything so I work for what I want..Today.

I don’t take risks when it comes to my recovery.

THIS IS NOT A FUCKING TEST. THIS IS VERY SERIOUS. MY LIFE IS ON THE LINE!

I don’t go around the old neighborhood, I don’t want them to see how good I look now. I don’t hang with the old crew. I don’t go around people who are using, I don’t hangout with women who are active. I don’t care to go to parties or other events where I know people will be drinking or drugging. I changed my phone number so I don’t receive phone calls from my old connections. I don’t gamble with my clean time. I don’t get cocky and say I can do this or that I’m not going to use. I don’t believe the lies in my head when they tell me I can handle it or I can smoke just one. ONE IS A LIE. I don’t think I can still live the lifestyle and not use. I don’t think I can just sell drugs and not use them. I don’t want to try nor do I ever want to find out. I don’t want to die so…

I JUST DON’T.

If you go to the barbershop enough times EVENTUALLY YOU WILL GET A HAIRCUT!

If you are reading this and you think you can please give yourself a break and Just Don’t

4 thoughts on “THIS IS NOT A TEST

  1. “I thought I was cool but in reality I was a big fat joke.”
    I really relate to that, I thought I was so bad ass and cool. I felt like I could handle it and other people would feel intimidated by me.. but in reality its’ disgusting. I still do think “just one more time”, I hate it.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Yes my addiction allow me to believe that I was the man. That I was untouchable. But in reality I was butt of everyone’s jokes. I was an embarrassment to myself and my family. I know the feeling I too think sometimes just one more time, but I know better today. I know that one is a lie and that if I pick up…I will never come back. I will die using. Don’t believe the lie. We can do it one more time but remember that we might not survive that one might just kill us. Thanks for sharing, reading and commenting on my post. Have a blessed day.

      Like

  2. It all sounds so familiar reading this. If my in recovery signification other read it he would say the same, has done too many times. My dream is one day he will have the courage that you have to believe it and do it, to ignore that voice, time will tell, for us when he gets out of jail on Christmas Eve. You get it now what you have to do, congratulate yourself every day. Remind yourself how easy it could be to slip. Thanks for sharing, reading your words helps me a lot to get an understanding of what goes on in an addicts head and the battles you have to face 😊 it’s like reading my mans thoughts, he has said to me!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you for reading and commenting on my post. I pray that he finds the strength and courage to believe that he too can stay clean. That he is willing to do the work necessary to maintain his recovery. I am grateful that by you reading my blog I am able to give you some insight on the mind of an addict. That is what i am striving for. I want to be able to help others understand whether its the addict or the family members. I really appreciate that I am able to do that for you. I will keep you and him in my prayers. Please let him know that he can feel free to contact me anytime for support when he gets out. My email address is on the blog. Peace and blessings to you.

      Liked by 1 person

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