THIS IS NOT A TEST

AND IT’S DAMN SURE NOT A GAME.

In my active addiction I always looked for handouts, the easy way out, for someone else to do it for me and for something for nothing. I lied, cheated, begged, borrowed and stole my way to a miserable existence. I always thought that I was slicker than oil. Smoother than ice and twice as nice. Truth is I was a bum, a derelict, a leech…You get the picture. I didn’t take my life serious. I didn’t take you serious. I didn’t take threats, final notices, arrests, warnings of any kind serious. I thought I was cool but in reality I was a big fat joke. I used people and played on peoples emotions. I made people feel sorry for me, guilty for not helping me or ashamed. I wasn’t a good friend, boyfriend, son or person in general. Drugs they do that to you and a whole lot more. I will not sugar coat my addiction. I want you to know what it was like for me and what it is like for someone you might know. I was suffering and didn’t even know it and once I did know it. I LOST THE ABILITY TO DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT. I gave up and didn’t care in the end. Life was a 3 ring circus and I was the ringmaster. Or so I thought, but the reality was I was the clown, the puppet, the slave to my addiction. My life was a comedy, a sitcom, a cartoon. Funny to some.

But in the end…No one was laughing. Especially not me.

I say all of this because i want you to see where I have come from and see where I am at today. I want you to know that there is hope. That recovery is possible. I do not play when it comes to protecting my recovery. I take my recovery very serious. I am committed to staying clean and practicing living a positive, productive life. I have learned the hard way that NOTHING in this life that is worth having comes to you for free. I have learned that no one can do this for me. That I cannot do this for anyone else. I had to want to get clean for me. I have been locked up, in treatment centers and other institutions but always returned to using because I DIDN’T BELIEVE THAT I COULD EVER STOP USING. Today I know that I have to take certain steps to obtain and then maintain it. I don’t like to ask for anything so I work for what I want..Today.

I don’t take risks when it comes to my recovery.

THIS IS NOT A FUCKING TEST. THIS IS VERY SERIOUS. MY LIFE IS ON THE LINE!

I don’t go around the old neighborhood, I don’t want them to see how good I look now. I don’t hang with the old crew. I don’t go around people who are using, I don’t hangout with women who are active. I don’t care to go to parties or other events where I know people will be drinking or drugging. I changed my phone number so I don’t receive phone calls from my old connections. I don’t gamble with my clean time. I don’t get cocky and say I can do this or that I’m not going to use. I don’t believe the lies in my head when they tell me I can handle it or I can smoke just one. ONE IS A LIE. I don’t think I can still live the lifestyle and not use. I don’t think I can just sell drugs and not use them. I don’t want to try nor do I ever want to find out. I don’t want to die so…

I JUST DON’T.

If you go to the barbershop enough times EVENTUALLY YOU WILL GET A HAIRCUT!

If you are reading this and you think you can please give yourself a break and Just Don’t