Today I decided to take a trip down memory lane by reading my old blog posts from the beginning.
I have to admit there was a whole lot of anger and frustration in some of those past posts from 2011. Which is completely understandable, I was, for a long time a very angry and frustrated individual.
(You try living a life that you are tired of living, but can’t figure out how to stop. You would be angry and frustrated too).
Anyway as I was reading some of these posts I began to feel my frustration. It was like I was reliving the moment. It was an awakening of a major proportion. Have you ever been in a daydream that felt so real. Or awoke from a dream that was so real you swore you was there. Like I remember once I was having a crack dream and when I woke up I was kicking myself for using. When I went to check my stash spot nothing was there. After a while I realized that I hadn’t relapsed and it was only a dream but It was so real I actually thought that I had used.
But let me get back to the subject…
As a addict I have issues with not feeling like I am good enough or am doing enough. I am very critical of myself and can be my biggest cheerleader on minute and my worse critic the next. Self esteem issues from past failures play out in my head and sometimes can affect my mood. I am still in and will always be in the learning stages because fighting addiction is a lifelong battle. I do not stay stuck in that funk because I have done some work and can recognize my addiction coming at me from many different angles. But addiction is cunning, baffling and insidious so it can slip by undetected at times and later I will recognize it and change the behavior or attitude. I know that I have made some major strides in my recovery and although I hear it all the time I can rarely see it myself.
Today i got a chance to see it through reading my past blog posts. I am forever grateful that God of my understanding spared me and saved me from the horrors of active addiction. I will continue to do just what I am doing even when I feel it is not enough because I know I am doing my best. I might not feel like I have changed much but deep down inside..
I have changed..
I no longer struggle to move forward.