In order to move on from
Pain, Misery and Suffering. and People Make me Sick.
I first had to recognize that the life I was living wasn’t normal. I used to believe that it was. I didn’t know any other way of living besides the life I had lived. I thought that I would die an addict, in prison or on the streets. Waking up or coming to was not normal. Stealing, Lying, Cheating, Crime, Drugs, Homelessness, Dereliction, Isolation, jails institutions, no hope, no faith and everything else that comes along with addiction is not normal. Being told time and time again to Pack My Shit. Is not normal.
Then reality slapped me and I saw the truth. Before I ever picked up that first drink or drug I was raised to have respect for others, I was a good kid with good grades and a family that cared about me and taught me right from wrong.
So the struggle began inside my head. The battle between Good & Evil.
Please Make it Stop
It was for a long time easier to do the wrong thing than it was to do the right thing. I know for some this might sound strange but addiction has a way of making you rationalize doing wrong so that it seems right. If you know any addicts and can’t understand why they continue to do the wrong thing hopefully this will help you to understand even if just a little. When you are at that point of trying to figure out how to get the next one, nothing is off limits. My mind would not allow me to comprehend the damage that I was doing or would do to others. Self centeredness is the core of our disease. That means what I want is more important than anything else. What I do to get it doesn’t matter, who I have to hurt doesn’t matter. The only thing that I could process was I needed to get another one. I needed to continue to get high. So I caused everyone around me a whole lot of PMS.Pain Misery and Suffering.
Prayer, Meditation and Sharing
Now that I recognize the truth for what it is, and I am able to accept who I am and what I am. I have some work to do. I have to continue to uncover all the past hurts and disappointments, all the things that I used as excuses to continue on my road of self destruction. I have to become willing to trust others, to share some of the things that got me to where I am. I have to learn how to do this, and I have to learn to be honest about it.(I had to learn how to be honest). Remember I told you I was a liar and I would lie at times for no reason at all. It was second nature to hide the truth at all costs. So I began the long process of change first by relying on a power greater than myself. I had to trust that what had worked for others would work for me. I began to pray and ask God for help. I am still learning how to meditate.(Honestly speaking its hard as hell for me to stay still). I was so sick of the life I was living after a couple of months of making meetings It became easy for me to start sharing my experiences. I had to learn that it was not about bragging or trying to sound like I was a big shot or some dangerous person that should not be messed with. I had to get gut level honest about my addiction and where it took me. I mean the Depths of Hell..Beyond the corner to the hell holes that became home and my life. After the good times that only I thought was good. I had to learn how to tell the real deal. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do.
I am currently working my 4th Step. Conducting a Searching and Fearless moral inventory of myself. Its a scary thought and everyone keeps telling me this is the step where you begin to find freedom. I was a little scared about all that, but once I started writing it’s really not as bad as I imagined. I am grateful that I am in this process because I am finally out growing my past attitudes and behaviors. I am finally starting to live a semi normal life and semi normal is ok today.
Today I have
Purpose, Meaning and Serenity.
Life gets better. One day at a time.