Good morning,

Today I awoke with this empty feeling. I have been doing some self evaluation this past week and I am coming up short in a few areas. I have been praying that God empty me of me and fill me with his will for me. I recently lost someone who I cared about. (Not loss as in death). I find myself trying to occupy my mind by writing my blog and on facebook and work. I have been doing a lot of the latter. Overtime helps me to think believe it or not. I can get lost in thought while I am working. I usually work alone or with another person so its easy to keep to myself and run through my thoughts. As you already know I can have some pretty crazy thoughts so I try to remain focused. It’s easier said than done sometimes but I am getting better at it.

I have to put on my big boy pants and sometimes I don’t want to. Sometimes I just wish that I never had to be responsible. That I could continue to not give a fuck about anyone. I have to learn how to communicate responsibly with others and not get bent out of shape and resort to my usual anger and resentment. I know all to well what happens when I hold onto anger and resentment. I usually get frustrated very quickly and the end result is never favorable. I know there are areas in my life that I need extra help in. I know that recovery doesn’t happen over night and this is a process. I also know that this feeling will pass.

I’ve heard it said that you get what you allow. I am beginning to understand what that means. If I continue to allow people to treat me a certain way and I do nothing about it then I deserve it. But If I tell you about it, If I voice my dislike and you continue to do it and I do nothing about it then I really deserve it..Nothing changes if Nothing Changes. I have to learn how to stick up for myself without getting angry and resorting to old attitudes and behaviors.

I am in the learning stages. I hate the fact that I am learning how to live at this late in my life, but I am also grateful that I am learning. Better late than never. I will continue to pray and ask for guidance. I don’t want to act off of anger and then have a resentment about my decision later. But I refuse to continue to take anyone’s abuse either. So something has to give.

One day at a time is all I have. I live, I learn, I continue to grow.

2 thoughts on “EMPTY ME OF ME

  1. Eric,just realizing that our thoughts can be our worst enemy to recovery is a huge step.you are learning so much about you,but take it easy on you.you didn’t become an addict in 1 day,recovery comes and stays by working it as you are doing.your honesty will in time heal you and the past will only be a memory that no longer consumes us.
    today is my youngest sons birthday.without him,I wouldn’t be here today.when I got clean and sober I didn’t do it for me,I wasn’t worth it.I did it for my kids.I detoxed my self and it was hell,but my son helped me thru it.for the 1st year I was scared I woould drink again.my son went evrywhere with me.I was tending bar and my probation officer got me a script for antabuse.every nite when I went to work ronnie gave me my pill,that way he knew I would stay sober and come home!!I di not get into a 12 step program till I was 6 years sober.but every day I thank god for my son and my recovery.eric leave the past where it belongs,don’t jet it haunt you.in feb.I will have 40 years.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you Adele your wisdom is always on time. Congratulations on 40 years. Wow. I am amazed and also honored that you are a part of my network. Proof that it does work and lifelong recovery is possible. Thank you for sharing some of your story with me. God bless and happy birthday to your son.


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