Today I awoke with this empty feeling. I have been doing some self evaluation this past week and I am coming up short in a few areas. I have been praying that God empty me of me and fill me with his will for me. I recently lost someone who I cared about. (Not loss as in death). I find myself trying to occupy my mind by writing my blog and on facebook and work. I have been doing a lot of the latter. Overtime helps me to think believe it or not. I can get lost in thought while I am working. I usually work alone or with another person so its easy to keep to myself and run through my thoughts. As you already know I can have some pretty crazy thoughts so I try to remain focused. It’s easier said than done sometimes but I am getting better at it.
I have to put on my big boy pants and sometimes I don’t want to. Sometimes I just wish that I never had to be responsible. That I could continue to not give a fuck about anyone. I have to learn how to communicate responsibly with others and not get bent out of shape and resort to my usual anger and resentment. I know all to well what happens when I hold onto anger and resentment. I usually get frustrated very quickly and the end result is never favorable. I know there are areas in my life that I need extra help in. I know that recovery doesn’t happen over night and this is a process. I also know that this feeling will pass.
I’ve heard it said that you get what you allow. I am beginning to understand what that means. If I continue to allow people to treat me a certain way and I do nothing about it then I deserve it. But If I tell you about it, If I voice my dislike and you continue to do it and I do nothing about it then I really deserve it..Nothing changes if Nothing Changes. I have to learn how to stick up for myself without getting angry and resorting to old attitudes and behaviors.
I am in the learning stages. I hate the fact that I am learning how to live at this late in my life, but I am also grateful that I am learning. Better late than never. I will continue to pray and ask for guidance. I don’t want to act off of anger and then have a resentment about my decision later. But I refuse to continue to take anyone’s abuse either. So something has to give.
One day at a time is all I have. I live, I learn, I continue to grow.