Living with an addiction is not easy. In fact its probably the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Just image this if you will. You have to always make sure you have what you need to get high. That my friends can take some considerable doing. I don’t know about you but I was not born with a silver spoon or a wad of cash to blow through. I am not nor have I ever been rich. My family was not rich and even if they were that wouldn’t have made my grind any easier.

Using is a full time job for the full blown addict. I’m not talking about you once in awhile users who can have a drink or take a snort, smoke, hit or spike yourself and be cool with just that one bump. I am talking about the everyday all day users like I was. From sun up to sun down users like I was. You see I suffered from massive addiction. No matter what I used from the earliest of ages (9,10,11) I did it until there was no more and I still wanted to continue. I drank until I blacked out, I smoked weed until I was numb or dumb. I sniffed coke until my nose bled. Whatever it was that I used I always abused.

I have a very addictive personality and I not only used drugs but I used people, places and things too. It didn’t matter if I was broke because your money was just as good. In fact it was better, that way I could keep mines for later use. Using wasn’t easy and it took a lot of skill, time, patience, energy and resolve. It was like working 2 full time jobs because I was always on the hunt for the next hit or dollar. It took every ounce of energy and consumed my every thought.

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With that being said..

Why would I think that getting clean would be easy. Why would I ask someone for help and then not be willing to accept the help that is given. Why would I ask for advice and then ignore the advice. I see that happen a lot. In fact I did it in the beginning. You can read my past posts and see that I struggled to stay clean. I struggled because I refused to let go of my old negative behaviors and attitudes. The same ones that kept me sick and suffering. The same ones that almost killed me several times. I brought those same attitudes and behaviors into recovery thinking that I was being slick or getting over. The only person that I hurt was myself. I continued to lie, steal, cheat and be sneaky. Thinking I was fooling others but I was only fooling myself. I began to see that my old ways just weren’t working anymore and that if I didn’t change my ways I would never get better. I would die out there because I was too damn hard headed to listen to those that been down this road before me.

So today I go after my recovery just as hard as I went after my drugs. My recovery requires my full attention and my full effort. It’s a full time job to stay clean. I cannot go at it half ass and expect to get any positive results. There is no magic pill that can cure me. No one can do it for me. I can pray all day but if I am not putting forth the effort I will not get any results. (At least not any positive results.) I know this because I tried to have it easy. Easy doesn’t work. There are no shortcuts or no easy way out. It takes hard work and if you are a addict and you do not believe this to be true. You can and will have your misery, pain and suffering refunded to you quick fast in a hurry. I did it and I learned the hard way. Addiction takes no prisoners and will love to catch me slipping. The disease of addiction wants me dead but it will settle for my complete misery. I put in the work so I don’t have to go through the struggle that has been my life for so long ever again.

I am a member of a fellowship, I use the 12 Steps, I have a sponsor, I read literature, I participate in my recovery. I share what I am going through with others like myself who understand my struggles and my triumphs. I do service work so I can stay out of my own head. I love the fellowship because it has saved my life. I know where I would be without it.



As I stand here looking at all the people scrambling around. It reminds me of a colony of ants. I also makes me think of how truly blessed I am to be a part of this scrambling society.

The every day routine of getting up to fight the crowd on the subway to then fight the crowd to get to work is exciting. I used to hate it. I would drag my ass and have an very nasty attitude.
Using took away my joy. It left me broken, unable to see the good in just being alive. Gratitude for being woken up was non existent.  There were many mornings I wished I didn’t wake up. There were also many mornings that I came to instead of waking up. There were also many mornings that I didn’t even go to sleep.

So yeah I’m grateful that I wake up to the same routine to fight my way to work. This is a war that I can deal with, that I can win. The war with my addiction was a no win situation. I have a purpose today. Sometimes I don’t know what that purpose is, but I damn sure no what it is not.

Using is never the answer.
But if you think it is. Then what is the question?