I remember when I thought so little of myself that I sought approval from everyone else. I wanted to fit in and be liked so I would do whatever it took to be a part of. I grew up not liking myself very much. Low self esteem and low self worth plagued me as a child and only got worse as I got older. I wore many masks over the years and changed my name like some people change their socks.

I could never understand why I felt the way I did. I was a pretty smart kid I just didn’t fit in with the cool kids. (That was my public school years. There were no “cool” kids.) I got introduced to alcohol at a early age. I liked it. It made me brave. I was funny and people began to like me. I finally fit in….Or so I thought.

It was all a ruse. An elaborate scheme to use me for what ever. I was to blind to see it. To eager to belong. To naive. To stupid. So I continued to be the fool for years seeking the attention and affection of others because I couldn’t find it within myself.

In the here and now I am learning to rely on myself and not on others. I am beginning to know who I am. To love myself and not depend on others for approval. This may sound strange but I dont think I am doing such a good job. I find myself still putting others needs before mines. Am i still seeking that approval?

I need to take some time and get to know the real me. Find out what I like, what I want. I have to do me. Focus on me. Get to know me.

And so I will.


  1. It sounds to me that you are well on your way to finding yourself! Hey, look at it this way-it took quite a while to ‘lose’ the real you, so it may take quite a while to find ‘you’ too. Be patient with yourself and enjoy the process 🙂


  2. one thing I was told early on in recovery was that I was too hard on myself.using the spiritual part of the program,11th step,serenity prayer helps a lot.I grew up in a pretty messed up home.I never fit in anywhere.I guess what I am trying to say is to be who we are meant to be takes time in recovery and work!!also stay away from the negatives.for me recovery is always about learning,patience and day at a time..

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you Adele. I appreciate your support. I have to keep reminding myself that its a process and I am right where im supposed to be. Not where others think or want me to be. One day at a time.


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