I remember when I thought so little of myself that I sought approval from everyone else. I wanted to fit in and be liked so I would do whatever it took to be a part of. I grew up not liking myself very much. Low self esteem and low self worth plagued me as a child and only got worse as I got older. I wore many masks over the years and changed my name like some people change their socks.
I could never understand why I felt the way I did. I was a pretty smart kid I just didn’t fit in with the cool kids. (That was my public school years. There were no “cool” kids.) I got introduced to alcohol at a early age. I liked it. It made me brave. I was funny and people began to like me. I finally fit in….Or so I thought.
It was all a ruse. An elaborate scheme to use me for what ever. I was to blind to see it. To eager to belong. To naive. To stupid. So I continued to be the fool for years seeking the attention and affection of others because I couldn’t find it within myself.
In the here and now I am learning to rely on myself and not on others. I am beginning to know who I am. To love myself and not depend on others for approval. This may sound strange but I dont think I am doing such a good job. I find myself still putting others needs before mines. Am i still seeking that approval?
I need to take some time and get to know the real me. Find out what I like, what I want. I have to do me. Focus on me. Get to know me.
And so I will.