It took me a very long time to be able to admit that I was selfish, self centered, self absorbed, self indulging.Who Me..Not Me. I never got along with others and don’t like to share my toys.
But I know its true.
In my active addiction it was all about me and what I wanted. . I am in a learning process right now and I am not doing very well in that area. I am learning that I cannot love someone until I learn to love myself. I cannot care about someone until I truly care for myself. So as you can see there is conflict right there. I have to learn to be myself, care about myself and love myself and not be selfish, self centered, self absorbed and self indulging.
It seems to me that when you show people concern, genuine concern eventually they take advantage of you. It seems to me that the more you try to give of yourself the more people expect from you. Truth be told I do not like being around people because people always let you down. So I developed a low expectation of people. I tend to think the worse of them until I am proven wrong. I have to admit I am rarely proven wrong so i shut down and stopped allowing people in. I began to isolate and became very comfortable being a loner. Eventually life wasn’t so comfortable any more. I remember the days I would cry because I wished I was with my family for the holidays. I masked my feelings well to the outside world but deep down inside I was miserable and lonely.
I have a hard time meeting new people and making friends because I always allow my mind to play out this tape of impending doom. Everything will end in disaster. My thoughts, my beautiful mind causes me to have nightmares while I am wide awake. Millions of thoughts running through my cluttered brain. I am a hoarder of thoughts and sorting through them will take some time. I am very aware that there is a error in the way I think. And as a result I remain a prisoner of my own mind.
I know that I will never be “Normal”. Drug abuse has done some real damage to me. I know this and its a scary thought. Truth be told I am rambling on right now because I can’t even concentrate on writing this post.
I think I will give it a rest. I’m all over the place.