As I sit here thinking about my day I am forced to look at myself and how I react to certain situations that arise. I seem to always be made to feel like others are trying to control how I act or how I respond to them. I am made to feel at times like my feelings and my wants or needs are not as important as as theirs. When I try to express my feelings there is always some rationalization or justification and again my feelings get swept under the rug.
I have to admit that I do not like people telling me what to do or even what I should do. I will always resist especially when the person doing the telling is self centered. Another thing that gets under my skin is a person who is always talking about themselves and what they are going through. Like I have nothing better to do than to listen to them bitch and moan about any fucking thing that comes to their mind. Even if I don’t have anything better to do I still do not wish to listen to all their problems. I have problems of my own. I try my best to distance myself from negativity and sometimes it is very difficult because it is everywhere. I am learning to remove myself from the situation rather than stick around and have it escalate to a point of no return.
Obsession and compulsion are defects of active addicts but as a addict in recovery I have come to realize that those defects are still active in me and others too. (some of us a whole lot more than others)
As a recovering addict I know all to well what happens when I am experiencing obsession and compulsion. I am usually trying to control something. I also know what happens when I try to control things. Plain and simple they usually get worse. One thing I know and I try to practice is relinquishing control. I do not try to dictate or force my will on others. I know that control is impossible the moment it is suggested. I do not like to feel like I have no control over things but in the reality of my life I know that my higher power is in control not me. I am usually out of control. So rather than continue to fool myself into thinking that…I will let it go.
Obsession – T
Compulsion – A
Control – T