I am both excited and a little scared. I will be celebrating my 1 year anniversary tomorrow. At first I didn’t want to but my girlfriend talked me into it. After all it is a big deal. I have never been able to accumulate more than a couple of months if that in the past. I am grateful for this new life that I am living and look forward to and also dread tomorrow at the same time. It’s a fear for me because my disease always wants to disqualify me. It tells me that I am not worthy and that I am still a failure. I will not allow this disease to steal my joy any longer. KICK ROCKS ADDICTION.
Well it’s just another fear that I will face and get past. Thank God for recovery!!
Good evening everyone. I pray that by the time you read this all is well in your life. If it is not. Hold on and have faith that things WILL get better.
Today I want to share with you the never-ending stream of thoughts and voices in my head. First off let me tell you that I am not crazy….or maybe I am. As an addict I’ve done some things that will definitely qualify me for a psych ward. But that’s a blog for another time. I talk about the battle between the good and evil that plays out in my head daily.
Sometimes mind can be a loud and confusing place and other times It can be just as calm and serene. Ive been known to fly off the handle at the drop of a dime. Like the saying goes I go from 0 to 100 real quick. Then there are the times that I am so deep into thought that I can appear to be detached from my surroundings.
Inside my head is like a factory with all the machines and conveyor belts. Information traveling at the speed of light. Or its like a ticker at the stock exchange constantly moving and changing. I could go on and on but I think you get the picture or pictures.
Although my mind never seems to shut off and there are times I wish it would. I do not react to the thoughts like I used too. Today I have learned to take a step back. To process the thought instead of acting off it. Acting off impulse was how I used to live. I used to think I was spontaneous. Well my spontaneous-lessness caused me a lifetime of heartache, pain and misery.
If I had it to do all over again I wouldn’t. But my mind is telling me right now…Yes you would. I am thankful that I have finally learned not to trust the thoughts that sometimes invade my regular thought process.
I am grateful that I have a place to go to talk about the things that I go through and people there understand. They understand because they too have been where I am at. I am grateful that I am not alone.