Good morning everyone,
I thank the God of my understanding for waking me up to experience a new life every day. I am forever grateful. I pray daily for the still sick and suffering addicts inside and outside the rooms.
Today I was thinking about relapse. It is a reality for addicts but it is not a requirement. I know first hand what it feels like to relapse and how the mind plays tricks on you to keep you out there suffering. I remember all to well the feelings of failure and loneliness when I relapsed the first couple of times. Yes I have been in and out of recovery since 2011. I am no longer embarrassed to say it. I no longer allow my addiction to make me feel like I am a failure because I could not stay clean. I am grateful to have made it back first and foremost. Secondly I was not doing any of the required work in order to maintain my clean time. I stopped making meetings (big mistake) I wasn’t sharing my feelings of using. I didn’t use the phone numbers I collected and I just wasn’t taking any of the life saving suggestions. As a direct result of doing what I wanted to do and not what I should have been doing. I continued to get what I always got. Pain, misery and suffering.
I know a whole lot better today. I know now that my addiction takes no prisoners. It wants me dead but will settle for me being totally miserable. I know that my addiction runs deeper than just using drugs. I know that there are some things that I need to do on a daily basis in order to keep my clean date 10/26/13. I know that I cannot do this alone and I no longer try nor do I think that I know everything. I have a lot to learn and I remain open minded. I cannot change or take in new information if I am not open to new ideas. When it comes to recovery I am a baby. I am new and I know very little about it. My addiction is very slick and I know that I have to be vigilant, I have to put in the work in order to receive the results. Freedom from active addiction is wonderful but it is not free. There is some work that I have to do. I will continue to do the work necessary to maintain this new way of life.