Once again it’s Thanksgiving.
First and foremost I want to wish everyone a Happy, Healthy and Safe Thanksgiving. May you have a wonderful time enjoying this day of giving thanks with your families.
I have mixed emotions today I am not feeling very….
Well before I go there let me just say that I’m very thankful for all that I have achieved in this last year with the help and guidance of my higher power and my network of new friends.
I am thankful today that I have friends. Real friends.
I am thankful that I am no longer suffering from the horrors of my addiction.
I am thankful that the obsession and compulsion to use has been lifted.
Thankful for a job and a roof over my head.
Thankful that I no longer have to beg for change, eat out of garbage cans and pick up cigarettes off the ground.
Thankful for things big and especially thankful for all the little things. The things I took for granted.
I have a whole list of things that I am thankful for today.
When I think about the little things that I took for granted I am forced at this time of year to think about how I took my family for granted. How I used and abused their love for me, how I squandered it, pushed it to its limit and beyond and ultimately smashed it into a billion tiny little pieces and then smoked them all away. How I was so out of control and unloving and uncaring when they were only trying to understand and be there for me. How all I could think about or care about was smoking crack. How I abandoned my family, turned my back on them and blamed them for my situation. How could I be so cold. How could I be so selfish and so mean and nasty. How could I have let something so small, with no arms or legs or even a brain to plot or strategize bring me to my knees like that. How?
I am thankful today for recovery. I am thankful that I have the opportunity to find out about my disease. The disease of addiction knows no boundaries. It has no limits, It can care less what I do to you, or what you try to do for me. It tears families apart, shreds them, burns them, drowns them. IT DESTROYS THEM.
I know because I am living the aftermath of my destruction now.
Here it’s the holiday season once again and I have to spend it alone. I will spend it with my new family in recovery but not with my blood family. I know that I made this mess and now I must live with the consequences. That doesn’t make it any easier to deal with. I sometimes wish I had one of those pen’s like they had in Men In Black. You know wipes away the memory. But that’s fantasy. This is reality.
I pray that one day things will be different. I don’t tell my family about my clean time because it wouldn’t matter they’ve heard it all before. I know it will take time and I also know that It might never happen. I know that I have to continue working on myself NO MATTER WHAT. I also know that NO MATTER WHAT, I WILL NOT USE.
So with that being said.
If you are reading this please take it from me.
Love those who love you. Don’t take advantage of them or hurt them. Because you won’t know how good you had it….
UNTIL IT’S GONE.