Protests for Overdoses?

I agree. It’s time to stop being ashamed. Stop sweeping the disease of addiction under the rug. Thank you for posting this.

Mother Of An Addict

I sit back and every where on the news is about the Michael brown shooting. The tons of protests, looting, and violence over this subject. Before you read any further please understand I am not dismissing Michael Browns life, nor anyone else’s. My sincere sympathy goes out to the loved ones of Michael Brown. I too can relate to his parents because I too have lost a child. I just lost a child in a much different way. Some would say  my child controlled his death. Did Michael really have control over overdosing on heroin when he clearly had a untreated disease? What makes one person’s life valued over another?

I am not alone in losing someone to an overdose to the disease of addiction. According to, 5 people PER HOUR died of an overdose in 2011. Heroin use is on the rise so I am sure it is more…

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First things first.
I wish everyone a happy, healthy and safe Holiday Season. Please enjoy responsibly.

This time of the year is particularly hard for people in recovery. My brain tends to focus on 2 things. Either I am reminded of celebrating the holidays with friends, drinks and drugs or I am wallowing in self pity because of missing my family and wishing I was with them.

I have found out that my thinking is upside down at times. Thinking about celebrating with friends, drinking and using drugs always turned disastrous in the end. But if I allow it my brain will only playback the so called ” GOOD TIMES”.

The reality is there were no good times. Using ALWAYS brings me to my knees. The downward spiral will ALWAYS return.  In the end the downward spirals returned quicker and quicker each time that I made the wrong decision to return to using. (Relapsed). The thing is once you know this you have to do certain things in order to be able to fight those thoughts. 

You know the thoughts I am talking about.

The one’s that say:
“I can use successfully”
“I can smoke, sniff or drink just one”
“I am not sick”
“Don’t worry no one will know”
“I don’t need THOSE people”

The fact of the matter is. 

The disease of addiction is tricky. It will play on my  thoughts when I am most vulnerable. Like when I am daydreaming about the GOOD TIMES or feeling sad, depressed and lonely.

There is no successful use of drugs.
I cannot smoke, sniff or drink just one.
I am sick. (I have a disease called addiction).
I will know. (Because I am responsible for my recovery. Not anyone else).
I do need other people. (I cannot do this alone).

So I protect myself even more during the Holiday Season. There are a lot of triggers to set me off and I know that I need to be extra vigilant. I suit up with the tools of the recovery process. What works for me is being around others that are like me. I make meetings. I talk about how I feel. I utilize my sponsor and others in my network. IT IS VERY IMPORTANT TO HAVE A NETWORK!  I read literature. I do step work. I post in my blog. Yes my blog is a tool for my recovery.

I can’t keep it. Unless I give it away.

And all of these things have been working for me. I am thankful to be a person in recovery. It has changed my life tremendously. I would’ve died out there had I not been led to recovery and people need to know that.


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Once again it’s Thanksgiving.

First and foremost I want to wish everyone a Happy, Healthy and Safe Thanksgiving. May you have a wonderful time enjoying this day of giving thanks with your families.

I have mixed emotions today I am not feeling very….

Well before I go there let me just say that I’m very thankful for all that I have achieved in this last year with the help and guidance of my higher power and my network of new friends.

I am thankful today that I have friends. Real friends.

I am thankful that I am no longer suffering from the horrors of my addiction.

I am thankful that the obsession and compulsion to use has been lifted.

Thankful for a job and a roof over my head.

Thankful that I no longer have to beg for change, eat out of garbage cans and pick up cigarettes off the ground.

Thankful for things big and especially thankful for all the little things. The things I took for granted.

I have a whole list of things that I am thankful for today.

When I think about the little things that I took for granted I am forced at this time of year to think about how I took my family for granted. How I used and abused their love for me, how I squandered it, pushed it to its limit and beyond and ultimately smashed it into a billion tiny little pieces and then smoked them all away. How I was so out of control and unloving and uncaring when they were only trying to understand and be there for me. How all I could think about or care about was smoking crack. How I abandoned my family, turned my back on them and blamed them for my situation. How could I be so cold. How could I be so selfish and so mean and nasty. How could I have let something so small, with no arms or legs or even a brain to plot or strategize bring me to my knees like that. How?

I am thankful today for recovery. I am thankful that I have the opportunity to find out about my disease. The disease of addiction knows no boundaries. It has no limits, It can care less what I do to you, or what you try to do for me. It tears families apart, shreds them, burns them, drowns them. IT DESTROYS THEM.

I know because I am living the aftermath of my destruction now.

Here it’s the holiday season once again and I have to spend it alone. I will spend it with my new family in recovery but not with my blood family. I know that I made this mess and now I must live with the consequences. That doesn’t make it any easier to deal with. I sometimes wish I had one of those pen’s like they had in Men In Black. You know wipes away the memory. But that’s fantasy. This is reality.

I pray that one day things will be different. I don’t tell my family about my clean time because it wouldn’t matter they’ve heard it all before. I know it will take time and I also know that It might never happen. I know that I have to continue working on myself NO MATTER WHAT. I also know that NO MATTER WHAT,  I WILL NOT USE.

So with that being said.

If you are reading this please take it from me.

Love those who love you. Don’t take advantage of them or hurt them. Because you won’t know how good you had it….



It’s truly saddens me when people with no inkling of an idea what addiction is, think they know what they are talking about. You know the one’s. You probably have heard them spewing a bunch of bullshit like “Addicts have control over their using” or “They can stop if they want to, they just don’t want to”. I wonder what drugs they were addicted to that was so easy for them to control and stop when they decided they had enough.

Oh you say you are not an addict, well then that explains everything. 

I want to let people know first hand what it is like to be a person recovering from the horrors of addiction. That is why I write my blog. I am not writing my thesis. I am not speaking from years of college experience. No I do not have a bachelor’s or a masters degree. I am not versed in the lingo of the educated well rounded individuals who have spent countless hours in the classroom study up on the subject of addiction.

I have another kind of education.

I my friends have a PHD.


PLENTY HARD DRUGS.  (I could go on and on but back to the post)

I my friends was there. While you my friend was not. I know what addiction does to not only the person who is suffering but also what it does to the family members who also are suffering. I know what it is like to come to and even though you know you are barely alive to still want to use. To be sick and suffering and have no control over the desire, the uncontrollable urge to continue using. To pray for death because the pain you are going through is unbearable. To know that what you are doing is killing your family and inside be hurting but can’t live without getting another one. To not be able to feel for anyone anymore because you are caught up in the grips of addiction and feel that there is no way out.

I know what hopelessness, worthlessness and uselessness feels like first hand. I know what homelessness and despair feel like. I know what isolation and degradation feels like. Do you?

I know all about it. I lived it.

So please do me a favor. Before you go and pass your educated judgement on someone because after all you know what you are talking about right. Before you condemn someone who is suffering, before you put your stamp of disapproval with your know it all ass on a person sick and suffering or on a person in recovery before you add to the already out of control stigma that is associated with THIS DISEASE.

Get your facts straight.




Lately I have been feeling a little empty inside. I have been trying to put my finger on what the cause is and I keep coming up blank. I am living a life that was only a dream a little over a year ago. I have a nice new car. I have a job that’s not the greatest but I am grateful to be gainfully employed. I am in a relationship which has it’s ups and downs but I am happy most of the time. I have a little bit of money. (Believe me when I say a little bit). I have a roof over my head, with heat and hot water. For a very long time I did not have any of those things. I wandered around like a lost soul from one friend to another to the subway to abandon buildings to the streets. I came up and I am grateful but I am still missing something.

I think I have an idea what it might be.

I lived a life of selfishness and self centered-ness for a very long time. All I ever did was take, take and take, until you didn’t have anything left to give and then I still wanted more. I think that it’s time for me to start giving something back. I am feeling empty inside and I have to find a way to fix that.

I’ve heard it said that service is a way to get outside of myself and doing something for others. I remember the good feeling I used to get when I was of service to others. How it made me feel to help someone else without looking for something in return. I have to fill this empty void I am feeling. I have to continue to move forward and climb to new heights. I am feeling stagnated and do not wish to stay in this frame of thinking. I wish to continue to grow, not to stand still and take up space.

The mind is a terrible thing to waste. I’ve wasted enough.

Increase Awareness of Addiction and Mental Health Disorders

Increase Awareness of Addiction and Mental Health Disorders

Yes I agree. It is time to end the stigma. It is time to educate people of the affects of the disease of addiction. Not how it affects you at home but how it affects the person addicted. The change in behaviors are due to changes in the brain. Its a cancerous disease that is killing millions of people and yet so little is being done by our government. It’s really shameful. Thank you for your posts.

Self Help Survival

There are hundreds of campaigns in the world for things such as Diabetes awareness, Cancer awareness that receive millions of dollars in research, but where is the Mental Health awareness research funding? Mental Health and Addiction Research are two of the lowest funded research diseases / disorders in the world, but these two diseases / disorders are costing the world billions in medical care, justice system costs and much more.  

50% of people in the world living with mental health and/or addiction disorder reported that they did not seek treatment because they could not afford it.  Another 16% of the population did not receive treatment because they did not know where to go to receive proper treatment.reasons for not receiving treatment

With proper awareness and treatment options made available with awareness focused in on mental health and addiction research and treatment, these staggering percentages would be decreased dramatically.  Insurance companies need to start…

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I have been doing a lot of reading lately on recovery. Not from the fellowship point of view, but from others advocating for equality and acknowledgement of addiction being a disease and not just a matter of choice. I never knew how much other people who are not in recovery and who really have no fucking clue what addiction is truly about. Have so many opinions and mostly negative about addiction. People see a person that is an addict as some bottom of the barrel, scum of the earth, murderous low life. They sit in their big offices and vote on and pass laws that are harmful, hurtful and down right discriminatory. They sit there and pass judgement on people who are really sick, most do not even understand what is happening to them, they are scared and ashamed and they want to stop and get help but do not have a clue as to how to go about it. If they do know how to go about they seldom do because addiction affects every area of your life. Your mental, physical and spiritual. You lose control over decision making process and become a slave to your addiction, your body craves whatever it is that you are using and can make your life a living hell when you do not have it. How many of you out there have a clue as to what that’s like???

These same people say that addicts made the choice to become who they are. They choose to continue using drugs. They knew what it would do to them. Let them deal with the consequences of their actions.



Last time I checked I didn’t wake up one day and say I going to get addicted to drugs today. When I was a kid I didn’t dream of using drugs, going to jail and becoming a convicted felon. I had no clue as to what addiction was, nor did I have any clue really what drugs where all about either. There was no “drug education classes”. I like many others learned from watching others or peer pressure. Anyway that’s not my point here.

I am talking about a country that spends billions of dollars everywhere else but in its own backyard. It saddens me to know that this country cares so little about it’s own people young and old who are dying from the disease of addiction and they see the staggering numbers and yet and still refuse to do anything concrete or substantial about it. Locking a person up for petty shit like possession is not the answer, How about we start to educate people. How about we have health care that includes addiction treatment and aftercare. How about we treat addiction like we do any other disease and start to offer some real support and treatment. How about we use some of those billions of dollars right here at home