Good evening everyone.
I thank God for allowing me another opportunity to get back on the right track. I am back with 26 days clean.
I haven’t posted in awhile because I let my addiction tell me that this is stupid and I waste of time. That no one gives a fuck about what I post because I can’t stay clean.
After giving it some thought I realized that I don’t write my blog for others. I write this blog to document my feelings, attitudes and behaviors. To have memories when I go back and read it. These are my memoirs. This is MY journal about MY journey. This blog is not for entertainment purposes or for anyone’s amusement.
With that out the way
Today November 20th 2013 was a day of mixed emotions. I always start my day thanking God for waking me. Since coming back I have been developing a new habit of reading the JFT and the corresponding page in The Basic Text. Then I read some daily scriptures that I have sent to me on You Vision. Then I log in to my recovery groups on Facebook and post and respond to posts in my group From Struggle to Strength and another group called The Ship. After all that is done I get ready for work.
Today at work was like every day frustrating. I have good moments but I have more bad ones than good I am starting to realize. I do not handle my emotions well and that makes for a rough day. As a addict what ever I am feeling turns to anger and frustration because I still cannot identify my feelings. I think at this point I am also mourning drugs because I am aggressive and irritable all day. I snap at people and am always being mean.
I recognize this and I know that not using plays a part but I also know that I have been like this all my life. I’ve had anger issues since I was a child and have paid the price more times than I care to mention. Its one of my character defects that I pray to be removed. It has been suggested to me to start a journal and since I already have my blog this is where I choose to keep track of my feelings daily.
After work I went to my homegroup and the topic was Honesty. I shared honestly how I don’t know how to stay clean and live life on lifes terms. How I feel like no one wants to hear what I have to say because I can’t stay clean. I don’t know how to stay out of my head and I don’t know how to love myself. Sometimes I think I set my expectations too high in meetings but I am grateful for the people that did reach out to me. I felt hurt but I will keep coming back and make my foundation stronger with people who will reach out. JFT its ok. I will deal with the feeling of loneliness and isolation in that meeting and push through until I feel a part of. I will keep coming and I will remember that no matter what I am feeling I don’t have to use behind it.