RELIVING THE PAST

Good evening

Today I went through some feelings and I have come to believe it when they say This Too Shall Pass

6 years ago today the day after Thanksgiving I went on a binge that cost me a job with Con Edison. Today was the first time since that episode that I had a flashback and I actually wanted to use. I couldn’t seem to shake reliving it.

I am grateful that I was able to share about it and let it go. Today was a rough day but I got through it using the tools of the program and praying to my higher power for strength.  Thanks for letting me share.

THANKSGIVING

Happy Thanksgiving everyone.

I am grateful that they have marathon meetings on Thanksgiving because I had nowhere else to go.

I am forced to take a long hard look at myself and the life I’ve lived. I have caused more harm than good. I have been selfish and self centered the majority of my life. I am forced to sit here alone and deal with the feelings of loneliness. I am saddened at the outcome that is my life.

Although the above statement is true I know that its not too late to turn things around. I have been given a second chance at life. I have taken this opportunity for granted many times because I still wanted to do things my way and would not surrender to the fact that my life is unmanageable. I still held the belief that I could control the outcomes and manipulate situations to my benefit.  Its that thinking that has led me time and time again to using.

I thank the God of my understanding for another chance to change and I am taking it seriously.  I know that I am not in control. I know that doing things my way leads to disaster. I know that I cannot do this alone. I know that I have to do the work and learn to take suggestions as just that a suggestion.  I know that people are not trying to hurt me when they make suggestions. I know that I have to take a leap of faith and trust the people who have been there and done that. I know its not all about me and that I need to get involved because I am only going to get out of recovery what I put into it.

I finally feel like I am ready to do what is necessary to maintain and progress in this process. I know that its not a race and this is my process and it will happen in God’s time not my own and I am willing to take it one day at a time.

This has been and will continue to be a learning experience. I feel excited and I have faith that as long as I follow this way I have nothing to fear.

My actions will speak for me.

Peace and Blessings

Eric

THE REVOLVING DOOR

Good evening everyone.

I thank God for allowing me another opportunity to get back on the right track. I am back with 26 days clean.

I haven’t posted in awhile because I let my addiction tell me that this is stupid and I waste of time. That no one gives a fuck about what I post because I can’t stay clean.

After giving it some thought I realized that I don’t write my blog for others. I write this blog to document my feelings, attitudes and behaviors. To have memories when I go back and read it. These are my memoirs. This is MY journal about MY journey. This blog is not for entertainment purposes or for anyone’s amusement.

With that out the way

Today November 20th 2013 was a day of mixed emotions. I always start my day thanking God for waking me. Since coming back I have been developing a new habit of reading the JFT and the corresponding page in The Basic Text. Then I read some daily scriptures that I have sent to me on You Vision. Then I log in to my recovery groups on Facebook and post and respond to posts in my group From Struggle to Strength and another group called The Ship. After all that is done I get ready for work.

Today at work was like every day frustrating. I have good moments but I have more bad ones than good I am starting to realize. I do not handle my emotions well and that makes for a rough day. As a addict what ever I am feeling turns to anger and frustration because I still cannot identify my feelings. I think at this point I am also mourning drugs because I am aggressive and irritable all day. I snap at people and am always being mean.

I recognize this and I know that not using plays a part but I also know that I have been like this all my life. I’ve had anger issues since I was a child and have paid the price more times than I care to mention. Its one of my character defects that I pray to be removed. It has been suggested to me to start a journal and since I already have my blog this is where I choose to keep track of my feelings daily.

After work I went to my homegroup and the topic was Honesty. I shared honestly how I don’t know how to stay clean and live life on lifes terms. How I feel like no one wants to hear what I have to say because I can’t stay clean. I don’t know how to stay out of my head and I don’t know how to love myself. Sometimes I think I set my expectations too high in meetings but I am grateful for the people that did reach out to me. I felt hurt but I will keep coming back and make my foundation stronger with people who will reach out. JFT its ok. I will deal with the feeling of loneliness and isolation in that meeting and push through until I feel a part of. I will keep coming and I will remember that no matter what I am feeling I don’t have to use behind it.

Poem

Im counting days again and I feel great, now i know its never too late.
I’ve changed my ways and move in stride,
and oh so grateful that I survived.
God above and Goddess below,
saw it fit to save my soul.
Now hear this message to you my friends,
with drugs there’s only ever three ends, jails, institutions, and death…
are you really ready to take your last breath?
They trick you into a love affair,
looking backs almost to much to bare,
I’m not ashamed of what I’ve done,
but I’ve come to realize it wasn’t fun.
Feeling stuck as if walking on tar,
look at my arms and see the scar.
a reminder forever that the past is real,
And that it really is OK to feel…
Don’t cover it up in a drugged up haze,
your going to miss the best of days.
There is no cure for this disease,
but there are ways to feel at ease.
put down the drugs trust me its tough,
but one is too many and a thousands never enough.
I know its true, I can’t save the world,
But what the hell I can give it a whirl.
You don’t have to wait till you hit rock bottom,
GO to an NA meeting every towns got em.
I hope to see some of your faces,
in what now have become my familiar places.
Everything will get better if you try,
otherwise you could very well die.
please Live life on life’s terms,
It’s the hard times from which we learn.
But I’m moving forward with this last line…..
always remember

“one day at a time”