I thank God that I am still alive and breathing and able and not in the hospital, sick or worse dead. I am grateful or at least I think I am. I say that because I am really not sure. I’ve heard it said that grateful addicts don’t use but I continue to struggle with moving past using so I must not be grateful.
The harder I try the more I mess things up and I am beginning to think that I will never be able to stay clean. I don’t know why I am so scared to leave this life behind me and move on. I continue to set myself up for failure and its starting to affect me in a very negative way. I know that the disease wants me dead and truthfully death right now is starting to look like my only way out.
I have tried and tried again and have failed more times than I really care to share. This year alone I just can’t seem to live with or without the use of mind and mood altering substances and its depressing me. I am still unable to ask for and accept help from others and continue to be dishonest not only with myself but with everyone around me as well. I feel like giving up even trying.
I am not in a good space right now and need to get my ass back to the rooms and start over but don’t want to say back again. I want to be able to just keep coming and I really have to find the courage to do the work NO to be consistent with doing the work. I know the program works but I am starting to feel like the exception. SMH
I know there’s a better way and this is my addiction just trying to keep me down and out. I just needed to vent and I know I haven’t posted in about a month so I wanted to let everyone know what was going on with me.
Peace and blessings to you all.