Hello family. Its been about 2 weeks since my last post. First and foremost I thank God for allowing me to be with you all clean and healthy. For this I am truly grateful.
I have been looking at my life and monitoring my behaviors trying to notice any patterns and I have uncovered plenty. Although I am not using drugs I find that I use other things still seeking instant gratification. I have been attempting to make a conscious change in those behaviors.
I am willing to do what is necessary today and believe me it is not easy. I know that no one ever said it would be but being an addict I want the easy way out. I want results without having to do any work. I know that in reality I am still trying to control that which I have no control over and the reality is unmanageability and powerlessness.
Every time I try to control a situation or an outcome the situation becomes magnified and blows up in my face so why do I continue to try right. Good question. I know that it is part of my character defects and they do not go away over night.
Willingness to change these defects is a start and making a conscious decision to actually make the changes and then putting it into action is necessary and key. Fear keeps me repeating the same things. Change is scary but I cannot go over, under or around it. I have to work through it.
Today I will continue to practice working through and not running away from change.
Thank you for being on this journey with me.
Peace and blessings
Good morning family. I thank God for his guidance. I am grateful to be able to be among the living today.
I am reminded on this hot 4th of July weekend of the many years I spent running the streets of Brooklyn, NY at this time of the year. Summer time was and still is a trigger for me. All the cookouts and block parties used to mean drinking and using. As time went on and I began to drift away from family and friends summer still meant the same I just didn’t associate with others.
I struggle at times to stay out of my head. Its difficult sometimes to not think about the good times I used to have using. But what’s even harder is to add the misery that came afterwards. Remembering the good times but not playing the whole so called tape has caused me much grief in the past and still does to this day. I am learning that I do not have to continue to relive my past and I am working on settling up and moving on.
Its a lot easier said than done but I am not alone and that makes it just a little bit better. I know that my past has harmed me by continuing to open the door and letting it back in. I need to pay special attention to those times when I find myself dwelling in that dark place and take the corrective measures tto exit stage right before disaster strikes.
In my process its been the exact meaning of insanity. Doing the same things expecting different results. Better yet doing the same things knowing the results and doing them anyway thinking by chance something will change.
Nothing changes if I stay the same. Faith without putting in the work is false hope. I will put forth a conscious effort to change and maintain the changes I make in my attitude and behaviors today. With the help of my higher power God, The Fellowship of NA, my sponsor and network I know life is gonna get better.
Thank you for all your support.
Peace and blessings.
Eric aka NAM