I AM

I thank God.
For all that I AM. My experiences have made me strong and resilient. I would love to have been someone else at one time and actually lived a life full of lies trying to protect a false image that I created. But the reality is:

I am

A Addict
A Liar
A Cheat
A Thief
A Loser
Confused
Depressed
Stressed Out
Lost
Worthless
Hopeless
Heartless
Cold
Insane
Negative
Self Centered
Selfish
Egotistical

I am
A Compassionate Person
A Hard Worker
Generous
Healthy
Smart
Funny
Hungry
Sensitive

As you can see I can find a whole shopping list of negative things to say about myself. Its not so easy for me when it comes to positive things. I struggle with low self-esteem and low self worth. I know that I have a lot of positive qualities but I am unable at this time to really see them let alone put them to paper.

Some days I feel really good and positive vibes and thoughts just flow easily. Then it fades and the usual negative thoughts take over. That’s the story of my life. The difference is today I am working on not always feeding into those thoughts and acting off of them like I have ever since I can remember.

I am grateful for having a sponsor and the fellowship even though I might not seem to be. I mean lets face it I have relapsed several times. I know that they are there for me and all I have to do is access the support available to me. There are times when that is easier said than done. I am still learning and practicing a new way of life.

I realize its a process and not a race and everyone does not recover at the same pace. This gives me hope. I remind myself that others have struggled as I am and they are making it. I will continue to do my best and utilize my network and God.

One day I will be able to move forward and not look back. One day at a time.

Peace and blessings

Eric

SUMMER TIME

Good morning family. I always start off my day thanking God for waking me and for that I am truly grateful.

Sum Sum Summer time.

I love this time of the year. I especially love the fact that I am clean at this time of the year. There are so many things to do and I am grateful to be able to enjoy them.

Summer is also a dangerous time of the year for me. Its a trigger. Cookouts, block parties, summer concerts and all the summertime activities used to mean drinking and partying. Today I have to be mindful of this. I have to be vigilant because as you all know I have relapsed several times already.

I know me. I know that I loved to get high.  I don’t like the pain and suffering that goes along with it. I also know that if there was a way to use without the misery and unmanageability I would. I also know that, that suggests control and control is impossible. So I have to learn how to deal with life on life’s terms without using.

I am thankful that I have a sponsor and a network and meetings to go to. If it had not been for the above mentioned I would die a addict.

Thank God today I am free.

Peace and blessings to you and your family.  Have a happy, healthy and safe summer my friends.

Eric

HAPPY FATHERS DAY

Good evening family. I thank God for waking me and guiding me today.

Today I wish all of you a happy fathers day. I am grateful to my father for all the things I have learned from him. I sometimes find myself wishing I had listened more and tried a little harder. I know that what’s done is done but that doesn’t stop the thoughts and feelings.

I miss my father. I was teetering between clean and using when he passed away but after he died I gave up and used for a long time. I lost a lot in the process and have been struggling ever since. I’ve never really grieved his death and gotten closure. I still cry whenever I think of him and I am crying now as I type this.

I wish things were different,  I wish I never used drugs, dropped out of school or ever been to jails, institutions and spiritual death but that is not my reality. I cannot change the past but I can have a better future. I can change my attitudes and behaviors so as to not continue the viscous cycle that has been my life for so so long.

Today I will get off the pity pot. Today is a new day and I will begin by doing new things. I thank you all for reading my blog and sharing my journey.

HAPPY FATHERS DAY DAD
I LOVE YOU AND MISS YOU.

Peace and blessings.

Eric aka NAM