Good morning family.
I thank God for waking and allowing me another day to live his will for me and not my own. I feel fantastic today and that is a direct result of doing the right thing.
Today I am sharing with you about how certain people that I thought were my friends have backed away from me since my relapse like if I have the cooties. Its a feeling I am all to familiar with. Abandonment is a part of my story and I am having feelings of abandonment as a result of the way some people are acting.
Its not a good feeling when you find out that people you thought was your friends turn their back on you. I remember when I was a kid going through the same feelings. It contributed to my using and becoming who I am today. I’ve always felt a need to people please because I didn’t and still don’t like the feeling of being abandoned.
Not fitting in, not being a part of, not being wanted. I know this feeling and for years it kept me in isolation. I would rather be alone than be rejected. Or so I thought. In my addiction I would tell myself those lies. I don’t need them, screw them, I will show you. Lol. For years I told myself those lies and my isolation became my own prison. I sentenced myself to a life without friends, would not associate with my family either.
Isolation had turned me into a miserable person. I was lonely, scared and angry just to name a few. I hated myself and cried at night sometimes because I felt so alone. My life was not a life I would have wished on anyone. I was barely existing and really felt invisible. Like I was on a deserted island. All alone in a room full of people.
Today I am working on dealing with those feelings. I am making progress. Today I’ve learned to share about those feelings when they come. Those feelings of abandonment that I have been feeling normally would have ran me back out the door. Today I choose to deal with the feelings. I don’t want to go back out and use. I am grateful for the seed being planted today.
I know that they don’t mean me any harm. They are probably feeling vulnerable in their own recovery and maybe they feel like using themselves. Whatever the case may be that’s their shit. I have no control over other people’s actions. I only have control over how I respond to them.
Today I choose not to let my feelings dictate my actions. Today I will push through to the other side instead of running back to the familiar pain of using.
Thank you for reading my share.
Peace and blessings.