May 21, 2012
Good morning. I Thank God for waking me today. I am grateful to be able to walk among the living.
I didn’t feel that way this past weekend though. Its been about a month since my last post and things were a little hectic in between these postings. My last post I was proud of how I told on myself for not filling a prescription for Percocet. Well the back pain I was suffering from made me decide on doing something a lot worse.
I just can’t seem to wrap my head around recovery. I can’t understand why I have such a hard time comprehending the simple solution of IF YOU DON’T PICK UP, YOU CANT GET HIGH. I am beginning to feel like I have a mental disorder. I am tired of failing at staying clean and I was ready to give up.
I found myself back at a point I was at in December of 2010. I was sick and tired of using and of being used and of how my life ended up. I was ready to die. This time I was sick of the constant conflict I was suffering from. Not wanting to use but using anyway, not being able to stay clean and be a responsible productive member of society. Feel like i am wasting my time trying. I was dwelling in self pity and just wanted the pain to end. I once again had the thoughts of killing myself and even knew how. The prescriptions for the pain meds along with some alcohol would do the trick. It seemed like the only way out.
The more I thought about it the better it sounded. But then in a moment of clarity thanks to the TV show Cold Case a story about a addict. The program kicked in. I realized that I was on the pity potty again. That my addiction was working overtime on me and that there was another way out. That moment of clarity was a spiritual awakening. God stepped in and I began to see that I do have options.
I am grateful to God, the fellowship of NA and all of you who support me. I know that some are sicker than others and that everyone’s rate of recovery differs. I will get back on the horse and ride again.
Its not over yet!
I will recover.