May 21, 2012
Good morning. I Thank God for waking me today. I am grateful to be able to walk among the living.
I didn’t feel that way this past weekend though. Its been about a month since my last post and things were a little hectic in between these postings. My last post I was proud of how I told on myself for not filling a prescription for Percocet. Well the back pain I was suffering from made me decide on doing something a lot worse.
I just can’t seem to wrap my head around recovery. I can’t understand why I have such a hard time comprehending the simple solution of IF YOU DON’T PICK UP, YOU CANT GET HIGH. I am beginning to feel like I have a mental disorder. I am tired of failing at staying clean and I was ready to give up.
I found myself back at a point I was at in December of 2010. I was sick and tired of using and of being used and of how my life ended up. I was ready to die. This time I was sick of the constant conflict I was suffering from. Not wanting to use but using anyway, not being able to stay clean and be a responsible productive member of society. Feel like i am wasting my time trying. I was dwelling in self pity and just wanted the pain to end. I once again had the thoughts of killing myself and even knew how. The prescriptions for the pain meds along with some alcohol would do the trick. It seemed like the only way out.
The more I thought about it the better it sounded. But then in a moment of clarity thanks to the TV show Cold Case a story about a addict. The program kicked in. I realized that I was on the pity potty again. That my addiction was working overtime on me and that there was another way out. That moment of clarity was a spiritual awakening. God stepped in and I began to see that I do have options.
I am grateful to God, the fellowship of NA and all of you who support me. I know that some are sicker than others and that everyone’s rate of recovery differs. I will get back on the horse and ride again.
Its not over yet!
I will recover.
May 24, 2012
Good morning family. I thank God for waking me today. I am grateful that I am alive and clean. I owe this to my higher power. I know that left to my own devices it would not be this way.
I need to share my gratitude today. I just came back from another relapse and I have to share the warm feeling I have for the fellowship of Narcotics Anonymous.
Its not easy to come back and say I am back from a relapse. It takes a lot of courage. For too long I was worried about how people would look at me. Worrying about what they would say and how they would treat me. It kept me running longer than it should have. I am still suffering from the great I ams. Lol. I tend to think I am greater than I really am. I come to realize that I cannot save my face and my ass at the same time.
Even more importantly all that worrying was for nothing.
People welcomed me back with open arms and showed me love, support and genuine concern. People that I don’t even know made me feel welcomed and loved and the people that know me from day 1 back in January 2011 when I first came to the rooms showed me the same love even though they know I have struggled with staying clean and have changed my clean date at least 4 times since coming to NA.
Its that welcome feeling that keeps me coming back. Had it not been this way I know I would still be out there suffering, killing myself or be dead or locked up. For this I am truly grateful. I know that I will not struggle forever as long as I keep trying. I might have fallen again but the shame is not in falling but in staying down and not getting back up to fight again.
Today I realize this to be true. I am back in the rooms because this is God’s plan for me right now. I will get back to the business of recovery and be more vigilant. I will work harder at changing those old attitudes and behaviors. One day at a time.
Thank you to those that have stuck by me and continue to show me how this is done. I am grateful.
Today is a new day and it will be great.
Peace and blessings