I thank God for waking me and for his protection while I was suffering through this relapse. I am truly grateful that he never allowed me to give up completely on myself.
Well its been a bumpy road back to the rooms and although I have not made a meeting yet I have made a decision to turn my life back around. I have made this decision after reaching yet another bottom. I have reached the point of being sick and tired of being sick and tired.
This weekend I put myself under house arrest. I made it a point not to have any money other than what I needed to buy some food for the weekend. I am not beating myself up or lying to myself any longer. I accept responsibility for my actions this past month and I am no longer worrying about how everyone will view me when I do come back.
I know all to well that I cannot save my face and my ass at the same time. Right now my life is on the line so saving my ass is my priority. I come to realize that I cannot do this alone. I have tried unsuccessfully. Alone does not work.
I have compared the love I have received in the fellowship to the cut throatness of those that I was using with. I have always had trust issues and I allowed that to turn me away from the people who truly care and understand me. The people who I should associate with. The people in the fellowship of NA.
I now realize that my addiction had me thinking that no one really cared. That I couldn’t trust people in the fellowship just like I couldn’t trust people on the streets. I was wrong. Boy was I wrong.
I will practice the new way of life that I started in NA and I will try harder at being open to the possibility that people in the fellowship do have my back and my best interest at heart. I will practice being more honest and willing to follow the suggestions.
I am starting over and just for today I have 3 days clean. My new clean date is April 5, 2013. I am grateful to have made it back and thank God for his guidance in getting me back on track.
Today is a new day and its time to return to my new way of life.
Thank you all for your concern.
Peace and blessings.