Good morning family. I thank God for waking me today. I am grateful for another day to live his will for me and try to remember not my will but his be done.
I have been suffering silently with back pain for the last 10 days or so. Yesterday I finally had enough and decided to go to the emergency room. The doctor informed me that the symptoms I described sound like Sciatica. I have lower back pain the extends to my right butt cheek and down my right leg.
I was given ibuprofen and percocet for the pain. I took them the pain was so bad that I just wanted it to stop. I explained to the doctor that i am in recovery and after the examination the doctor gave me a prescription for ibuprofen and Percocet. I’m like didn’t she hear me why would she prescribe me a narcotic.
Anyway I reached out to my sponsor and other recovering addicts to share this info. I heard about Percocet and how addictive they can be and how people are relapsing on them and after using them. I just came back and do not wish to go back out there. I made a decision to fill the ibuprofen but not the Percocet. I will see if the pain can be managed with the ibuprofen.
Today I will make a appointment with a spinal doctor. I am a bit uncomfortable with anything to do with the spine, that’s serious stuff right there. I will not let my imagination run wild. I will continue to pray about it and share how I am feeling.
I am practicing doing things differently today. I am telling on myself and letting everyone know what’s going on with me. No longer will I stuff my feelings and hold on to things like secrets. Talking about it has been suggested and I will do it.
Today will be a great day.
Peace and blessings
Good morning family. I thank God for waking me today. I am grateful that I am back with my new found associates in the rooms of Narcotics Anonymous.
I had a great weekend. I made meetings, I prayed for guidance and read the literature, did some writing, called my sponsor and other recovering addicts and followed the suggestions. I shared about my relapse and fellowshiped with others afterwards.
I was able to listen to others and not interrupt. I took a look at what applied and am allowing myself to accept my past and will work hard at letting it stay there. I was welcomed back with hugs and encouragement this week and for that I am truly grateful.
I was so worried about how others would view me and the criticism I would receive that I lost focus of the main reason to come home. I cannot save my face and my ass at the same time. I am responsible for my recovery no one else. Criticism and others opinions I have no control over.
I have to remind myself that this is my process and I will recover at my own pace. This is my beginning and I am a new comer. I will remember that recovery doesn’t happen over night and I am not in a race so there is no need for me to compare my process with anyone else’s.
I will stay in the moment and stay out of the danger zone that is my thinking. This addict alone with his thoughts is a dangerous place to be. I will continue to talk about what I am feeling and not stuff those feelings and thoughts but share them and be open to the suggestions and feedback. I will not try to do this alone.
I will work the program to the best of my ability, follow the suggested guidelines of the NA fellowship, continue to pray for guidance and I believe all will be well.
Thank you for allowing me to share.
Peace and blessings.
Good morning family. I thank God for waking me today. I am grateful that I am clean.
I went to a meeting last night and got the medicine that I needed. I wouldn’t be being honest if I didn’t tell you that I wanted to use and the thought was at first keeping me from hearing the message the speaker was giving. The topic was from the Just For Today and it was about seeing the big picture. As he continued to share the feeling of using went away and the hope began to take over and I am grateful that I was there.
After the meeting someone with substantial clean time (20+ years) approached me and said they heard me share about my relapse the other day and how my addiction was talking and how I actually believed all that bullshit that I was talking. I couldn’t believe that he was saying this and started to get defensive. I wanted to pop his top. I left feeling down and had a resentment toward this individual. I even thought about using. I mean why not a member with 20+ years just told me that what I shared was bullshit and he should know right?
That was my addiction trying me. Testing my faith and commitment to staying clean. The more I thought about it the more I knew what it was but that still didn’t explain why that individual said what he said. Then I thought about that day. I had shared that I just came back from a relapse and after the meeting he was NOT one of the many people who came to me and gave me encouragement and their number. In fact he didn’t say anything to me at all. So I asked myself why is he so bitter after having so much clean time.
I’ve come to realize what I have heard so many times in the rooms.
CLEAN TIME DOES NOT EQUAL RECOVERY.
I prayed for him. I will work hard to remember where I came from and not to think just because I have many years clean that I am better than anyone else…especially a new comer.
I am grateful that God has given me another chance and I will continue to practice what I have learned so far. By practicing it I stayed clean last night. So thank you experienced member for judging my share. You have given me strength.
God thank you for all the blessings you have given me. I pray that I learn to not be judgemental of others as time goes on.
Thanks for letting me share.
Peace and blessings
I thank God for waking me and for his protection while I was suffering through this relapse. I am truly grateful that he never allowed me to give up completely on myself.
Well its been a bumpy road back to the rooms and although I have not made a meeting yet I have made a decision to turn my life back around. I have made this decision after reaching yet another bottom. I have reached the point of being sick and tired of being sick and tired.
This weekend I put myself under house arrest. I made it a point not to have any money other than what I needed to buy some food for the weekend. I am not beating myself up or lying to myself any longer. I accept responsibility for my actions this past month and I am no longer worrying about how everyone will view me when I do come back.
I know all to well that I cannot save my face and my ass at the same time. Right now my life is on the line so saving my ass is my priority. I come to realize that I cannot do this alone. I have tried unsuccessfully. Alone does not work.
I have compared the love I have received in the fellowship to the cut throatness of those that I was using with. I have always had trust issues and I allowed that to turn me away from the people who truly care and understand me. The people who I should associate with. The people in the fellowship of NA.
I now realize that my addiction had me thinking that no one really cared. That I couldn’t trust people in the fellowship just like I couldn’t trust people on the streets. I was wrong. Boy was I wrong.
I will practice the new way of life that I started in NA and I will try harder at being open to the possibility that people in the fellowship do have my back and my best interest at heart. I will practice being more honest and willing to follow the suggestions.
I am starting over and just for today I have 3 days clean. My new clean date is April 5, 2013. I am grateful to have made it back and thank God for his guidance in getting me back on track.
Today is a new day and its time to return to my new way of life.
Thank you all for your concern.
Peace and blessings.
April 10, 2013
Good morning family. I thank God for waking me today and for guiding me back to the rooms of Narcotics Anonymous.
Wow is all I can say. I made my first meeting last night since being back and I am so happy that I did. I saw all the new friends that I made and was welcomed back. People were actually glad to see me. They all were wondering how I was and told me they missed me.
At first I debated whether or not to tell everyone because my addiction wanted me to be dishonest but I took the burning desire and let the group know that I relapsed. I had to tell on myself. I had to get honest and let my disease know that I am tired of living the lies and it felt great to do so. I felt a weight lifted off my shoulders.
After the meeting fellowshiping outside with some of the members made me realize how much I missed my meetings and how important they are to my survival. I am truly grateful that God guided me back to NA. It felt like I came home and I know that’s exactly what it is. I am home and must remember that. NA is my home now and I cannot survive without it. Making meetings has to and will once again become my priority.
I feel amazingly great this morning and I know that its God’s will for me to continue living the NA way of life. Thanks to God my higher power, NA and the people in the fellowship I once again feel the power to be able to do this. I will keep this feeling alive by continuing to stay connected.
Thanks for allowing me to share.
Peace and blessings.
April 11, 2013
Good morning family. I thank God for waking me today clean. I am feeling grateful today for being back amongst the living.
I went to my Wednesday night Brooklyn meeting last night and saw some more of my new friends who I’ve met in this wonderful fellowship of NA. I shared about my relapse after being welcomed back by so many. It was a wonderful feeling being able to share and get in touch with my feelings. I cried and felt even more of that heavy load being lifted off my shoulders.
Once again it felt like coming home and it makes me wonder how I could ever have left in the first place. I talked about my fears. One of which is letting people get close to me. I told them how this relapse was the most scary relapse I ever experienced and how cold people are now. I cried the cry of gratitude for being back and I truly mean it. I am ever so grateful to be back with the people who really understand what I have been through and don’t judge me but embrace me and tell me its gonna be ok.
It amazes me how much love there is in Narcotics Anonymous and I know for a fact that I am right where I need to be. I feel like I have been given a new lease on life. I will be alright. I believe that. I have never experienced love like this before and I will embrace it and take it all in until I can learn to love myself and others the same way.
I LOVE NA.
And as long as I follow this way I have nothing to fear. I will allow myself to learn how to live the NA WAY. I know it takes time and I will practice living and loving people the same way they love me.
This is my process, my ups, my downs, my experiences, my blog, my life and I share it with you.
Thanks for letting me to share.
Peace and Blessings.
6 DAYS BACK