Good morning and God bless.
I thank God for waking me and allowing me to have another day to try to get my life back on track.
I know that addiction is cunning, baffling and insidious. I am living proof. I have been allowing myself to fall for the tricks for the majority of my life. Way back when I had no clue that I was a addict. Today knowing the little bit that I do know about addiction I can see the insidious, cunningness and it baffles me that I continue to consciously make the decision to return to active addiction for a full refund of my pain, misery and suffering.
There are 2 people inside my mind fighting for control over me and it drives me up the wall. I feel like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. In the morning I am all set to make today the day I dont use and then gradually as rhe day goes on I change and I start to feel frustration set in and my addiction comes to me in that all to familiar whisper.
Before I know it that whisper becomes a full blown thought and then obsession. And then its the compulsion to continue using even though I know better. The fact that I have no money doesn’t matter, that I have to work in the morning doesn’t matter, that I am slowly committing suicide doesn’t matter. Nothing matters except getting that next one. The insanity has been refunded and I want out.
Dr. Jekyll no longer lives and Mr. High takes full control. I can hear the Dr. but I cannot help him. I hear him but I cannot reach him. I want to help him and I know what to do to bring him back but being caught up in the grips I am unable to do so it is a sad and lonely place I am in right now.
More will be revealed.